Seriously...

I will start posting more!

Things are rather chaotic in our house to put it mildly. The worst part is nobody seems to understand. When I send a text to somebody today explaining I couldn't talk on the phone, it was almost as if she got offended as she replied saying things aren't much better for her, either. I had no intention of making it sound like my life is terrible. It is a simple truth - I pick up the phone - Bubs goes crazy. I'm sure this isn't uncommon in many moms lives! I think the only difference in mine is his emotional state breaks down more and more as the call goes on until he is in a full-blown screaming/crying and genuinely upset mood. I don't choose not to answer calls because of myself. I choose not to answer calls for the sake of the person on the other end! If hubs is home, I generally answer my phone and go into another room knowing he can entertain the kids. It's when I'm by myself that it becomes difficult. Even the little princess has joined in the "phone please" chant. Would YOU want to talk to someone on the phone while one kid is SCREAMING and crying "phone please" and the other just keeps saying "phone please" over and over again? It makes a conversation a little difficult, you know? So if I don't answer the phone, I have YOUR best interest in mind. Just trust me on this one.

There is definitely never a dull moment in this house. In fact, things have been a little frustrating. Bubs has his official paperwork from a Developmental Pediatrician saying he has a Communication Disorder and ADHD. Plus now he has an unofficial diagnosis from the Child Psychiatrist of PDD. We were to take that diagnosis, submit it to the special program he had started the end of last year, and get more evaluation. School season is upon us, and they still haven't gotten back with us. On Tuesday I'm going to start calling every day until they start services for him again. He needs help. And when it comes to me... well, he tends to openly defy me, and I'm making very little progress as far as teaching him/parenting him goes. It's almost like he knows when I'm having my "bad days," and fully takes advantage of me on those days. I just started a new medication for my Fibro this week, and the dr warned for the first few days to a week, I could have some side-effects. Yeah, it makes me SUPER tired. So yesterday, I was kind of "out of it," so Bubs comes over and throws a handful of cereal IN MY FACE. Ugh. And the whole 1-2-3 Magic thing isn't working anymore. We had to totally strip his room of any furniture because when he's in there, he'll dismantle any and everything. We put up curtains and took off the blinds because he totally destroyed the blinds in the other house. So now he just pulls down the curtains all the time. He'll also take apart his bed if he's mad enough. So sending him to his room is more punishment for ME than him. The Child Pysch suggested we learn about ABA through the program here... but once again, we can't anything going with them right now. *Sigh*

So it's definitely been a challenging summer. I just can't fathom why they don't continue services for those children that need it through the summer. Bubs, for example, is a prime example of a child that needs consistency. He doesn't need a summer vacation! I think one of the worst experiences we had was last weekend. He woke up before us as he always does and didn't bother to wake us and went straight for the food. He does this often and will scale the pantry and grab out cookies and line them up in his desk or spill food everywhere. We need to come up with a child-proofing solution for the pantry. We had tried those little sticky child-proofers (you put one on one part, and the other on the other part and snap them together) on the toilet and fish tank like I used to use, but he is really strong, and he just pulled them right off. We eventually just started using a zip-tie on the refridgerator before we go to bed. This particular night we obviously forgot. He got out 2 cartons of eggs and brought them into the office where he proceeded to throw the eggs into the fish tank and even dropped a couple on the floor. Lovely. So hubs gets up (as he always gets up first on weekends because he is nice enough to let me sleep in), and he comes back in the room to tell me I need to get up as well. Wow, what a mess it was. I got some water in a bowl and proceeded to scoop out all the fish. One was obviously not going to make it but it seemed the others were ok. After we got it all cleaned up and the tank back in working order (and clean), we went to put some water conditioner in just to realize it was empty. So it seems he dumped the whole bottle of conditioner in there as well. There was not much more we could do. At one point, he even came up to express his remorse. "I make mess. I sorry. Sorry fish." We finally put all the fish back into the clean tank just for all of them to start dying one by one until they were all gone. I guess they just had too much junk in their system. I was mortified mostly because I didn't know how to explain it to Bubs because I knew he would ask! I didn't want to scare him because he already has nightmares and a hard time sleeping. It took about 2 days before he asked where the fish went, and I just said "they're all gone." I figured it's a simple term he understands. Then he proceeded to again tell me the story of eggs in the fish tank. So I don't know exactly what he understands about why the fish are "gone," but he did apparently associate that incident with them being "gone." What a challenging situation! I'm not even sure I handled it correctly. I'm constantly questioning everything I do as he seems to be getting worse and worse. The only thing I KNOW I'm doing right is praying. Sometimes I feel it's all I CAN do.

So between dealing with those sort of issues, a generally curious and active little girl (man, she's growing up WAY too quickly), hubby's issues with his knee, and my emotional, painful, and sleepy moods, it's a bit overwhelming. Many times I feel guilty because while Bubs is acting up and overwhelming me, the little princess is coming up giving me kisses and saying she's sorry. I feel guilty because that makes my day better, and I'm always feeling like Bubs is making it worse. It feels terrible to even write it out, but it is the simple, raw truth. I love him like a mother should love her son by all means! But there are just those times where I just want a break! I'm sure this is very common for parents with a high-needs child. That is part of why I created this blog... to type out the raw truth. There may be a mom out there that feels the same way and feels like she can't talk to anyone about it, and just knowing someone else feels the same way can really help. I know it does for me. I know regardless of how I'm feeling, everything will be fine. I AM the right mother for Bubs, otherwise God wouldn't have chosen me to be his mom. And actually, the entire family dynamics were chosen and created because that is how it is meant to be. Perhaps that is why the little princess is so sweet and sympathetic... to keep me from losing it! haha Despite it all, I wouldn't change a thing. Days may be challenging or super sweet, but they're our days, and I love spending them with my little family. The kids constantly help me grow and change and learn to love in ways I never imagined possible. I feel I have the greatest blessing of all!