Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Another blog
Well, it seems you can only make your blog all private or all public. Although I created this blog to share my real emotions the subject I briefly mentioned in my last blog would be best to be shared only with a very limited follower group - those that truly know us and care about us, prayer warriors, etc. I will be starting a completely new blog for this purpose and leave this one open. If you'd like the info & permissions for the new blog please let me know! I've always appreciated everyone's love and support. I pray you had a blessed Easter! He is Risen!
Thursday, March 31, 2011
I just don't know anymore...
Anything I thought I knew is so jaded right now. I haven't blogged in so long because our family was going through a lot. The emotional ups and downs experienced over the past year and a half have been just crazy! I was so relieved when it was over and our family could be "on the mend." I guess I couldn't be farther from the truth. I have been totally blind-sided. It's amazing how people can see things so differently: the pursuit of "happiness" vs. the pursuit of holiness (a.k.a. God's Will), consulting family and friends vs. consulting our Father. But then how is one supposed to feel when they've pursued God's heart just to be slapped in the face by thoughts from this world? It's disheartening and discouraging. The only thing I DO know is that all I can do is continue to pursue God and focus on what He is telling me and know that whatever happens I will keep my faith in Him and trust Him. I know I surely need His intervention right now.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Bad blogger
Man, I've been able to update my fitness blog a couple of times, but I've been SO bad about blogging here! I think part of it is because I don't WANT to. I mean really I DO, but I'm not sure people want to know what's been going on here! I started this blog with every intention to be totally and completely honest, but I also like to be positive. Perhaps it's because around this time last year I got chided by a "friend" for being negative when Joey was diagnosed with cancer initially. It was a rough time, and I thought if anything I could be open about my feelings on Facebook, which I have set up to be totally private! I even have a group of "friends" on Facebook in a category labeled "Other," and even they can't see my wall posts, pictures, updates, etc. Ok, I guess now the secret is out! haha But with everything going on in our lives right now I NEED that outlet, and there are things I'll talk about on Facebook that I won't even talk about in this blog simply because it is private. But yeah, even on Facebook I got "attacked" in a private message about things I was saying basically saying I'm discouraging and giving *unmentionable* a bad name, and I'm a disgrace to all wives associated with *unmentionable.* REALLY!? How can sharing our personal experiences be a disgrace? If the truth is that disgraceful certainly somebody needs to talk about it! But anyway... I won't. Not in detail on a public blog. But I felt I SHOULD be able to talk about it to my friends. That's why they're my friends. Needless to say it's made me hesitant in general to talk about my feelings... particularly negative ones.
BUT then I realize I'm not alone. Somebody else might be out there having a similar experience that would feel relieved to come across this blog and realize THEY are not alone. People say, in general, I'm pretty positive about everything. I'd say outwardly it's true, and emotionally I am at peace knowing God is seeing us through every step of the way. I do NOT know what I'd do without Him! I surely would have lost it a million times by now! My human emotions and spiritual emotions are in constant conflict right now! A classic example is I'm constantly stressed and disappointed we don't have more help, yet I'm extremely grateful and feel immensely blessed by those who help! There are friends that have helped us that are having their own hard times, and I even feel a little guilty accepting help! And many friends and family that don't live near us sent us money for gas for our multiple trips for the hospital! They went above and beyond and sent us enough for gas for the final 3 weeks!! What an amazing blessing!
But now I am very tired, and I have a baby who doesn't like to sleep, so I need to get sleep while I can. I just wanted to apologize for being a terrible blogger but let you know to be prepared for a flooding of honest emotions concerning being a caregiver to a spouse going through cancer treatment and having 3 kids under the age of 5! I'll break it up into multiple posts because there are lots of different things to discuss! As always, thank-you for the prayers! God bless!
BUT then I realize I'm not alone. Somebody else might be out there having a similar experience that would feel relieved to come across this blog and realize THEY are not alone. People say, in general, I'm pretty positive about everything. I'd say outwardly it's true, and emotionally I am at peace knowing God is seeing us through every step of the way. I do NOT know what I'd do without Him! I surely would have lost it a million times by now! My human emotions and spiritual emotions are in constant conflict right now! A classic example is I'm constantly stressed and disappointed we don't have more help, yet I'm extremely grateful and feel immensely blessed by those who help! There are friends that have helped us that are having their own hard times, and I even feel a little guilty accepting help! And many friends and family that don't live near us sent us money for gas for our multiple trips for the hospital! They went above and beyond and sent us enough for gas for the final 3 weeks!! What an amazing blessing!
But now I am very tired, and I have a baby who doesn't like to sleep, so I need to get sleep while I can. I just wanted to apologize for being a terrible blogger but let you know to be prepared for a flooding of honest emotions concerning being a caregiver to a spouse going through cancer treatment and having 3 kids under the age of 5! I'll break it up into multiple posts because there are lots of different things to discuss! As always, thank-you for the prayers! God bless!
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Rough Times
Wow. This has honestly been harder than imagined. At this moment I'm blogging on my phone as I am wearing the moose-lion and rocking back and forth while he sleeps. If I dare sit down he will wake and cry... Again. I haven't been able to get anything done in two weeks! Now obviously I'm always honest because that's just who I am, but get ready for some straight forward, raw emotions.
Chemotherapy week for my husband was ROUGH. He got sick right away and was either vomiting or sleeping for the first two or three days.
I finally sat down, so I'm going to finish this on the computer...
Chemotherapy week for my husband was ROUGH. He got sick right away and was either vomiting or sleeping for the first two or three days.
I finally sat down, so I'm going to finish this on the computer...
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.3
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Oh ye of little faith!
I just had a good listen of a wonderful "virtual" friend of ours, and I am rebuking my lack of faith from my previous blog post about healing! How did I let it wear me down to where I can say there is EVER a purpose for sickness? In the New Testament they healed ALL who came - so why not us? There is NO reason why not! BY HIS STRIPES WE ARE HEALED! I know this scripture, I believe in healing, but why not for us?? I have been healed before, so why not a healing for EVERYTHING? I was told I had Endometriosis (and it runs in my family) and would have difficulty conceiving. At the time I was unsure whether or not I wanted children, but I KNEW I didn't want the pain it was causing me, so I went to the altar for healing, and I felt it leave me!! I didn't have that pain anymore, and when I did meet my husband we had no trouble conceiving! Praise the Lord!!
Perhaps our lack of faith can be attributed to reason. Well, God may want to do this or that through my sickness. NOWHERE in the Bible does it say God has used sickness for a purpose, and He is the same yesterday, today, and forever! People say they are inspired by how positive we can be through all of this. But how positive are we really? I will tell you, I am going to lay hands on my husband and rebuke that cancer! I believe he is healed! I think we worry so much that we WON'T be healed that we're afraid to speak healing over others for fear that if they're not healed it will "look bad" or take away from ours or their faith. Shame on that thinking! God didn't choose this for us! And how much more of an inspiration can we be when we accept our healing and be a living testimony of God's healing! How many more people can we inspire and show God's way when we are alive and well rather than unwell - or worse - deceased. So please, should I show my weakness again - rebuke me and remind me that we are healed and there is NO reason to doubt! And now I must get back to my homework.
Perhaps our lack of faith can be attributed to reason. Well, God may want to do this or that through my sickness. NOWHERE in the Bible does it say God has used sickness for a purpose, and He is the same yesterday, today, and forever! People say they are inspired by how positive we can be through all of this. But how positive are we really? I will tell you, I am going to lay hands on my husband and rebuke that cancer! I believe he is healed! I think we worry so much that we WON'T be healed that we're afraid to speak healing over others for fear that if they're not healed it will "look bad" or take away from ours or their faith. Shame on that thinking! God didn't choose this for us! And how much more of an inspiration can we be when we accept our healing and be a living testimony of God's healing! How many more people can we inspire and show God's way when we are alive and well rather than unwell - or worse - deceased. So please, should I show my weakness again - rebuke me and remind me that we are healed and there is NO reason to doubt! And now I must get back to my homework.
Friday, September 24, 2010
What a night!
I shared this with my friend, so I thought I'd copy and paste it to my blog as well since I haven't shared a blog in a while! This was my night:
My husband found out around dinner time that he'd have to start a CQ shift at 7am. I already have two different things on my calendar for tomorrow including one volunteer shift at a local church's consignment sale. So, I had to take him up to work after just getting home right before the kids' bed time, so that way I didn't have to wake everyone up before 6am to get there. I'm sick and now having dizzy spells on top of my cold, so we stop to get me something to drink on the way up there. As we're driving up there he's telling me what he was reading about chemotherapy treatment, and it made me so nervous I felt nauseous so couldn't drink it anyway. Plus just the stress of driving in this area is ridiculous! We seriously had two "close calls" just driving up there! So yeah, I was totally freaking out.
Then I just started thinking about everything and how I need extra rest since I'm sick but won't have any overnight help with the moose-lion and then started thinking about the chemo thing again, and I just lost it. I mean it was a long time coming, but tonight was the last straw. This whole thing with his work is all because of one new guy that is apparently on some kind of power trip. Luckily the older two fell asleep, but the moose-lion cried the ENTIRE way home - as did I. Then when we get home I have to get everybody out of the car, so the older two kids start crying since they were asleep. And since they had fallen asleep before my husband got out of the car they were confused where he was which got them even more upset. So as I'm unbuckling them and getting screaming moose-lion (and the dogs) out of the van, I spill my still almost full drink right into my purse RIGHT ON MY PHONE. Of course it was RIGHT on the battery connector, so it died immediately. I tried to clean it all up and air it out, but yeah, I can't do anything with it. The touch screen is shot! And so now kids are all asleep, and I'm just going to rest. *Sigh*
On a silly note, I had my appointment with the psychiatrist last week, and she said I'm not crazy and these neurological symptoms seem to have nothing to do with my stress. I mean I surely feel slightly crazy tonight after all this, but she made a good point - who WOULDN'T feel slightly stressed with everything we have going on? Ok, she did diagnose me with a mild case of OCD, but I honestly saw that one coming. I think I was ignoring it for a long time until it started giving me anxiety recently. She said I could increase my Zoloft, but I said no. I'd rather have a few OCD tendencies and a little anxiety than to potentially affect my baby by increasing it anymore. She did say she would *prefer* I wean him at 6 months so she could put me on a different medication (in place of the Zoloft) that seems to be more effective for Fibromyalgia. Once again, though, I'm choosing not to. If you checked out my workout blog you'll see I'm choosing to a more natural fight against the Fibro by working out and changing what I eat, and I've had small flare-ups (mostly from having this cold), but overall I've been feeling pretty good!! Besides, if it is not keeping me from being able to take care of my family then I don't see the point of taking a medication that would require me to wean my baby early. They insist 6 months isn't "early," but to ME it is!
So, I did get my referral to the neurologist so I can finally see if there might be something more going on. The psychiatrist was very surprised that they recommended I see her first. She said their job as physicians is to rule out ANY medical conditions BEFORE sending someone to behavioral health. After I thought about it that really does make sense. What if they are dismissing something that is really serious?? They could be putting someone's life at risk! I'm grateful that does not seem to be the case with me, but still! She said she was very surprised at how I seem to be handling the trials in our life at the moment. I told her it is simply because God gives us the strength to handle them and I know no-matter what comes our way He is still in control. Don't get me wrong - I stress out - as I mentioned earlier about my breakdown tonight, but I am human after-all. Silly human nature! And tonight I'm even struggling with the "why us? and why ALL of this?" thing tonight, but I know God has a reason for everything, and He loves us! And how blessed are we for that!! After saying those things to her she was like "um, I honestly don't even think we need to have regular visits." So, I guess it makes me feel good to confirm I have it somewhat together!
But if I do not get some sleep I surely won't feel like I have it together tomorrow! haha Oh, and I just realized I have a rash on my hand, too! What a crazy night!
My husband found out around dinner time that he'd have to start a CQ shift at 7am. I already have two different things on my calendar for tomorrow including one volunteer shift at a local church's consignment sale. So, I had to take him up to work after just getting home right before the kids' bed time, so that way I didn't have to wake everyone up before 6am to get there. I'm sick and now having dizzy spells on top of my cold, so we stop to get me something to drink on the way up there. As we're driving up there he's telling me what he was reading about chemotherapy treatment, and it made me so nervous I felt nauseous so couldn't drink it anyway. Plus just the stress of driving in this area is ridiculous! We seriously had two "close calls" just driving up there! So yeah, I was totally freaking out.
Then I just started thinking about everything and how I need extra rest since I'm sick but won't have any overnight help with the moose-lion and then started thinking about the chemo thing again, and I just lost it. I mean it was a long time coming, but tonight was the last straw. This whole thing with his work is all because of one new guy that is apparently on some kind of power trip. Luckily the older two fell asleep, but the moose-lion cried the ENTIRE way home - as did I. Then when we get home I have to get everybody out of the car, so the older two kids start crying since they were asleep. And since they had fallen asleep before my husband got out of the car they were confused where he was which got them even more upset. So as I'm unbuckling them and getting screaming moose-lion (and the dogs) out of the van, I spill my still almost full drink right into my purse RIGHT ON MY PHONE. Of course it was RIGHT on the battery connector, so it died immediately. I tried to clean it all up and air it out, but yeah, I can't do anything with it. The touch screen is shot! And so now kids are all asleep, and I'm just going to rest. *Sigh*
On a silly note, I had my appointment with the psychiatrist last week, and she said I'm not crazy and these neurological symptoms seem to have nothing to do with my stress. I mean I surely feel slightly crazy tonight after all this, but she made a good point - who WOULDN'T feel slightly stressed with everything we have going on? Ok, she did diagnose me with a mild case of OCD, but I honestly saw that one coming. I think I was ignoring it for a long time until it started giving me anxiety recently. She said I could increase my Zoloft, but I said no. I'd rather have a few OCD tendencies and a little anxiety than to potentially affect my baby by increasing it anymore. She did say she would *prefer* I wean him at 6 months so she could put me on a different medication (in place of the Zoloft) that seems to be more effective for Fibromyalgia. Once again, though, I'm choosing not to. If you checked out my workout blog you'll see I'm choosing to a more natural fight against the Fibro by working out and changing what I eat, and I've had small flare-ups (mostly from having this cold), but overall I've been feeling pretty good!! Besides, if it is not keeping me from being able to take care of my family then I don't see the point of taking a medication that would require me to wean my baby early. They insist 6 months isn't "early," but to ME it is!
So, I did get my referral to the neurologist so I can finally see if there might be something more going on. The psychiatrist was very surprised that they recommended I see her first. She said their job as physicians is to rule out ANY medical conditions BEFORE sending someone to behavioral health. After I thought about it that really does make sense. What if they are dismissing something that is really serious?? They could be putting someone's life at risk! I'm grateful that does not seem to be the case with me, but still! She said she was very surprised at how I seem to be handling the trials in our life at the moment. I told her it is simply because God gives us the strength to handle them and I know no-matter what comes our way He is still in control. Don't get me wrong - I stress out - as I mentioned earlier about my breakdown tonight, but I am human after-all. Silly human nature! And tonight I'm even struggling with the "why us? and why ALL of this?" thing tonight, but I know God has a reason for everything, and He loves us! And how blessed are we for that!! After saying those things to her she was like "um, I honestly don't even think we need to have regular visits." So, I guess it makes me feel good to confirm I have it somewhat together!
But if I do not get some sleep I surely won't feel like I have it together tomorrow! haha Oh, and I just realized I have a rash on my hand, too! What a crazy night!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)