Bad blogger

Man, I've been able to update my fitness blog a couple of times, but I've been SO bad about blogging here! I think part of it is because I don't WANT to. I mean really I DO, but I'm not sure people want to know what's been going on here! I started this blog with every intention to be totally and completely honest, but I also like to be positive. Perhaps it's because around this time last year I got chided by a "friend" for being negative when Joey was diagnosed with cancer initially. It was a rough time, and I thought if anything I could be open about my feelings on Facebook, which I have set up to be totally private! I even have a group of "friends" on Facebook in a category labeled "Other," and even they can't see my wall posts, pictures, updates, etc. Ok, I guess now the secret is out! haha But with everything going on in our lives right now I NEED that outlet, and there are things I'll talk about on Facebook that I won't even talk about in this blog simply because it is private. But yeah, even on Facebook I got "attacked" in a private message about things I was saying basically saying I'm discouraging and giving *unmentionable* a bad name, and I'm a disgrace to all wives associated with *unmentionable.* REALLY!? How can sharing our personal experiences be a disgrace? If the truth is that disgraceful certainly somebody needs to talk about it! But anyway... I won't. Not in detail on a public blog. But I felt I SHOULD be able to talk about it to my friends. That's why they're my friends. Needless to say it's made me hesitant in general to talk about my feelings... particularly negative ones.

BUT then I realize I'm not alone. Somebody else might be out there having a similar experience that would feel relieved to come across this blog and realize THEY are not alone. People say, in general, I'm pretty positive about everything. I'd say outwardly it's true, and emotionally I am at peace knowing God is seeing us through every step of the way. I do NOT know what I'd do without Him! I surely would have lost it a million times by now! My human emotions and spiritual emotions are in constant conflict right now! A classic example is I'm constantly stressed and disappointed we don't have more help, yet I'm extremely grateful and feel immensely blessed by those who help! There are friends that have helped us that are having their own hard times, and I even feel a little guilty accepting help! And many friends and family that don't live near us sent us money for gas for our multiple trips for the hospital! They went above and beyond and sent us enough for gas for the final 3 weeks!! What an amazing blessing!

But now I am very tired, and I have a baby who doesn't like to sleep, so I need to get sleep while I can. I just wanted to apologize for being a terrible blogger but let you know to be prepared for a flooding of honest emotions concerning being a caregiver to a spouse going through cancer treatment and having 3 kids under the age of 5! I'll break it up into multiple posts because there are lots of different things to discuss! As always, thank-you for the prayers! God bless!

Never mind

He woke up... Again. Finish blogging later I suppose.

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Rough Times

Wow. This has honestly been harder than imagined. At this moment I'm blogging on my phone as I am wearing the moose-lion and rocking back and forth while he sleeps. If I dare sit down he will wake and cry... Again. I haven't been able to get anything done in two weeks! Now obviously I'm always honest because that's just who I am, but get ready for some straight forward, raw emotions.

Chemotherapy week for my husband was ROUGH. He got sick right away and was either vomiting or sleeping for the first two or three days.

I finally sat down, so I'm going to finish this on the computer...

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Oh ye of little faith!

I just had a good listen of a wonderful "virtual" friend of ours, and I am rebuking my lack of faith from my previous blog post about healing! How did I let it wear me down to where I can say there is EVER a purpose for sickness? In the New Testament they healed ALL who came - so why not us? There is NO reason why not! BY HIS STRIPES WE ARE HEALED! I know this scripture, I believe in healing, but why not for us?? I have been healed before, so why not a healing for EVERYTHING? I was told I had Endometriosis (and it runs in my family) and would have difficulty conceiving. At the time I was unsure whether or not I wanted children, but I KNEW I didn't want the pain it was causing me, so I went to the altar for healing, and I felt it leave me!! I didn't have that pain anymore, and when I did meet my husband we had no trouble conceiving! Praise the Lord!!

Perhaps our lack of faith can be attributed to reason. Well, God may want to do this or that through my sickness. NOWHERE in the Bible does it say God has used sickness for a purpose, and He is the same yesterday, today, and forever! People say they are inspired by how positive we can be through all of this. But how positive are we really? I will tell you, I am going to lay hands on my husband and rebuke that cancer! I believe he is healed! I think we worry so much that we WON'T be healed that we're afraid to speak healing over others for fear that if they're not healed it will "look bad" or take away from ours or their faith. Shame on that thinking! God didn't choose this for us! And how much more of an inspiration can we be when we accept our healing and be a living testimony of God's healing! How many more people can we inspire and show God's way when we are alive and well rather than unwell - or worse - deceased. So please, should I show my weakness again - rebuke me and remind me that we are healed and there is NO reason to doubt! And now I must get back to my homework.

What a night!

I shared this with my friend, so I thought I'd copy and paste it to my blog as well since I haven't shared a blog in a while! This was my night:

My husband found out around dinner time that he'd have to start a CQ shift at 7am. I already have two different things on my calendar for tomorrow including one volunteer shift at a local church's consignment sale. So, I had to take him up to work after just getting home right before the kids' bed time, so that way I didn't have to wake everyone up before 6am to get there. I'm sick and now having dizzy spells on top of my cold, so we stop to get me something to drink on the way up there. As we're driving up there he's telling me what he was reading about chemotherapy treatment, and it made me so nervous I felt nauseous so couldn't drink it anyway. Plus just the stress of driving in this area is ridiculous! We seriously had two "close calls" just driving up there! So yeah, I was totally freaking out.

Then I just started thinking about everything and how I need extra rest since I'm sick but won't have any overnight help with the moose-lion and then started thinking about the chemo thing again, and I just lost it. I mean it was a long time coming, but tonight was the last straw. This whole thing with his work is all because of one new guy that is apparently on some kind of power trip. Luckily the older two fell asleep, but the moose-lion cried the ENTIRE way home - as did I. Then when we get home I have to get everybody out of the car, so the older two kids start crying since they were asleep. And since they had fallen asleep before my husband got out of the car they were confused where he was which got them even more upset. So as I'm unbuckling them and getting screaming moose-lion (and the dogs) out of the van, I spill my still almost full drink right into my purse RIGHT ON MY PHONE. Of course it was RIGHT on the battery connector, so it died immediately. I tried to clean it all up and air it out, but yeah, I can't do anything with it. The touch screen is shot! And so now kids are all asleep, and I'm just going to rest. *Sigh*

On a silly note, I had my appointment with the psychiatrist last week, and she said I'm not crazy and these neurological symptoms seem to have nothing to do with my stress. I mean I surely feel slightly crazy tonight after all this, but she made a good point - who WOULDN'T feel slightly stressed with everything we have going on? Ok, she did diagnose me with a mild case of OCD, but I honestly saw that one coming. I think I was ignoring it for a long time until it started giving me anxiety recently. She said I could increase my Zoloft, but I said no. I'd rather have a few OCD tendencies and a little anxiety than to potentially affect my baby by increasing it anymore. She did say she would *prefer* I wean him at 6 months so she could put me on a different medication (in place of the Zoloft) that seems to be more effective for Fibromyalgia. Once again, though, I'm choosing not to. If you checked out my workout blog you'll see I'm choosing to a more natural fight against the Fibro by working out and changing what I eat, and I've had small flare-ups (mostly from having this cold), but overall I've been feeling pretty good!! Besides, if it is not keeping me from being able to take care of my family then I don't see the point of taking a medication that would require me to wean my baby early. They insist 6 months isn't "early," but to ME it is!

So, I did get my referral to the neurologist so I can finally see if there might be something more going on. The psychiatrist was very surprised that they recommended I see her first. She said their job as physicians is to rule out ANY medical conditions BEFORE sending someone to behavioral health. After I thought about it that really does make sense. What if they are dismissing something that is really serious?? They could be putting someone's life at risk! I'm grateful that does not seem to be the case with me, but still! She said she was very surprised at how I seem to be handling the trials in our life at the moment. I told her it is simply because God gives us the strength to handle them and I know no-matter what comes our way He is still in control. Don't get me wrong - I stress out - as I mentioned earlier about my breakdown tonight, but I am human after-all. Silly human nature! And tonight I'm even struggling with the "why us? and why ALL of this?" thing tonight, but I know God has a reason for everything, and He loves us! And how blessed are we for that!! After saying those things to her she was like "um, I honestly don't even think we need to have regular visits." So, I guess it makes me feel good to confirm I have it somewhat together!

But if I do not get some sleep I surely won't feel like I have it together tomorrow! haha Oh, and I just realized I have a rash on my hand, too! What a crazy night!

My fitness journey: Introducing my new blog

My fitness journey: Introducing my new blog: "I have decided to start a separate blog for my fitness journey. I feel so blessed to have been introduced to the Beachbody opportunity to im..."

Our 5th Anniversary

Wow, I can't believe it's been 5 years!! And what a blessed 5 years it has been! I'm sure some people could look at it and say we've definitely faced many challenges in our 5 years of marriage, but I just feel blessed that we had each other to face those challenges with - together! There was even a time I feared the challenges would tear us apart, but God has been faithful to keep us strong for each other and for our kids. After 5 years I am still so in love with my husband, and I look forward to being in love with him for many more years!!

We celebrated our anniversary a day early by going to Medieval Times. It was SO much fun, and a much needed date night out! The food was fantastic, the entertainment was well, entertaining, and the experience was awesome. We went all out because well, the 5 year mark is a big deal, right!? We got the "Royal Package," which included front row seats, and we even got a special announcement package where they announced our anniversary during the show, and after it we got "knighted" by the king. What a blast! The kids quickly claimed the flags and the paper crowns when we got home! haha What a very special day! I try hard not to take any days for granted and cherish all the moments!

I know I haven't yet updated on my husband's oncologist appointment. This past week we have just been having so much fun! haha And, well, I don't exactly know how to explain it to where it doesn't sound a bit odd. Basically we were presented with three options: biopsy the tumor, perform chemo without a biopsy, or wait to perform another PET scan. Options in detail to follow:

Biopsy the tumor to make sure 100% that it is a mixed germ cell tumor (mixed germ cell is typical of testicular cancer, and although my husband's make-up was slightly different than the "average" mixed germ cell tumor, it was a mixed germ cell nonetheless), although it can very likely be assumed this tumor is from the spread of his testicular cancer given the location (it just happens to be one of the lymph nodes the doctor didn't choose to remove during his RPLND) and history. It kind of makes sense that since the lymph nodes were NOT affected at the time of the RPLND they wouldn't remove that one due to the fact that it is right by the vena cava. That alone poses a risk. So a biopsy would pose TWO risks - one being the location, and the other being they would basically have to perform almost the exact same surgery as the RPLND to get to it! He is already having complications from his RPLND, and such a surgery is guaranteed to make them worse. Ultimately, this did not sound like a good option, and EVERY doctor called to discuss his case suggested NOT to pursue this option.

So, option number two was chemotherapy with the assumption that this truly is a germ cell tumor as a direct result of the testicular cancer. The oncologist as well as the urologist are fairly confident that's exactly what this is, and if that is the case, it would be very sensitive to chemotherapy and would be gone in 3 treatments. (3 treatments of 5 days in a row of chemo, 3 weeks off.) But there is a small chance it is a *different* type of cancer such as a lymphoma. Given his age and history, this would be almost a ridiculous notion, but there's always that "maybe." And not ALL cancers do respond to chemotherapy, so if that is the case, he'd be getting it for no good reason. Because there are risks with chemotherapy (such as a terminal form of leukemia that cannot be cured), the question was if this should happen 10 years down the road would he question that decision to just jump into the chemotherapy without actually knowing if that was the answer - or worse - that it is a different cancer, and the chemo didn't even work on it AND the side effects were for nothing.

So option #3. WAIT. And this is where it seems a little funny. And I mean funny like odd, not like haha funny. Basically the thought is if we wait a few more weeks a couple things could happen - the tumor gets bigger but is still unaccessible or the tumor gets big enough that the cancer cells have to find another home - preferably somewhere with easy access for a biopsy so they do know exactly where it is. Because they are fairly confident this is a mixed germ cell tumor we're dealing with, spreading isn't as scary as it sounds because of how sensitive it is to chemo. In fact, the treatment regiment would still be exactly the same. Now if it doesn't spread but has still gotten bigger, chemo will probably still be recommended. But at least at that point we will know we would've waited to make sure we did everything we could before just going for the chemo. It's very possible they'll suggest waiting again. We'll cross that bridge when we get there. But yes, for now, we wait. He will repeat his PET scan on Sept 30th.

And so there is always option #4. God's healing touch. According to my faith I absolutely believe in God's healing powers. But I also believe in praying for God's Will. I believe God heals people in different ways for His glory. My husband and I have talked a lot about the subject. I mean how can you not when I have Fibromyalgia, our oldest son is on the Autism spectrum, and his cancer? We have had many of our friends and family ask "why?" Why does it all have to happen to us? I can't exactly answer that, but I can say that no matter how hard Satan tries to interfere, we are sill glorifying and praising God! Perhaps that fact alone is the reason! If we touch one lost soul by our love for God despite our challenges, then it is all worth it! These bodies are not our own! They belong to God! He will not give us more than we can handle, and we will not leave us or forsake us! We are his vessels to be the light in the darkness! If we focus only on the darkness, how can we be that light for others? Not receiving healing does NOT equal a lack of faith. I am not saying anyone should claim their problems, but I am saying we should stop focusing on them and start focusing on what is the purpose. How is God using them to his glory? Perhaps when we look at that we'll realize our "problems" aren't as bad as they seem! I have full faith that God's Will will be done, and that it will be the right thing regardless of whether or not it seems "right" to us. And so, that is what I will continue to pray - for God's Will, and for Him to sustain us and give us peace. And He always does! I pray we will always be a light in the darkness.

We got some bad news

I'm not feeling the greatest as I am both physically and emotionally exhausted today, but I wanted to blog about the latest news we got concerning my husband's cancer.

He had a PET done this morning. We got the call for his results about an hour after he got home. He went outside to talk on the phone, so I was pacing the house nervously. The results did come back showing a "hot spot" where the tumor is. The Oncologist said there are different ways we can address this. His original tumors were mixed (some seminoma and a few different types of non-seminoma: carcinoma, teratoma). We were told it had a high likelihood of returning. We'll have no idea what the breakdown of this tumor is without a biopsy. The only problem is the tumor is very close to the vena cava. It wouldn't be a simple biopsy for sure and would require surgery, and there are obviously risks because of where it is. Or because of his history, do they just go ahead and start a regiment of chemotherapy? Some types don't respond to chemo, though, but it seems like they'd ultimately still try it anyway. This is new for us, though, because his last tumors were isolated and didn't require chemo. Chances are high this tumor resulted from the testicular cancer and isn't a new cancer (like lymphoma, though that IS a possibility since it's a lymph node, but not very likely). Sooo... without going into tons of details - because I'm sure you can imagine neither option is exactly pleasant - we're waiting until his appointment on Tuesday to talk to the oncologist and urologist after they have had a chance to discuss it with each other, and they'll be wanting our input as well. As if we have a clue! We have a lot of research to do and things to discuss over this wonderful 4-day weekend!

And, unfortunately, I probably won't be able to go with him to his appointment because he would be there during the time Bubs's bus come for school, and that's his first day back to school! I'm afraid of throwing a curve ball on his first day back. I know he's excited to go back either way, but it is still likely to throw off his day. And that's even if we could get a sitter who could come to our house during that time. I don't even know what anybody's schedule is anymore and who is or isn't available. It just stinks that his Dr is an hour's drive away. Yes, an hour to drive less than 20 miles. It's horrendous!

I don't know what I'm feeling right now. I know ultimately everything is in God's hands. That's what got us through this before, and that's what will get us through this again. The possibilities are unsettling, and I don't think I'm ready to think about it yet. We've actually discussed having the kids and myself move to wherever it is we plan to settle when his Med Board is over before it's even over so the kids and I will be near family and friends, and we can get them settled into something "regular." We've even discussed it may be easier because my husband always feels the need to help out even when he doesn't feel well, and we obviously wouldn't have to worry about that in that case. But the fact that his Med Board is stalled again because of these new findings and the fact that it could still take up to 9 months (the last estimate they gave him) for it to happen, we're not sure that really IS the best thing. Just more things to think about I suppose.

I love my baby boy

So I'm laying here at 2am just loving the fact that even though I'm having a hard time sleeping (as always), I have my little moose-lion next to me and a phone I can blog on! Haha

Seriously, babies are so amazing! Even after three, I'm still in awe every day! And that statement can definitely be applied to the older two as well! But as I lay here feeling his little breath on my chest and his little feet fluttering sporadically I'm just thinking about all the things babies accomplish in 4 months!

The moose-lion officially turned 4 months on the 26th. (And I turned 29 on the 24th! Where did time go?) He went from not even having his suck reflex at birth and transitional breathing issues to being able to nurse while he sleeps to cooing with the sweetest deep voice I've ever heard a baby have! (Yes, I realize I'm biased on the "sweetest" part, but I have truly never heard a baby with a voice as deep as his! It's so cute!) But that is what amazes me about babies! Their ability to learn and grow so much so quickly... And yet still remain so dependent. Parenting is such a unique blessing in that way! We must provide their needs while encouraging them to grow and develop! Babies are born with survival instincts, but human babies really need that social interaction to truly survive - and thrive! I'm just so enamored by my sweet baby!

And the other thing I consider such a blessing is I've felt this way THREE times! God is SO good! When we had our first I was amazed by how quickly that motherly love takes place! It's immediate and amazingly beautiful! I truly couldn't imagine feeling that intensity again! I mean, could I truly have more love to give? Then the princess was born, and I experienced it all over again and instantly knew she wasn't just "another baby," but another incredibly unique little human being! (And those two really are total opposites!) So a lot of people said we should stop since we have one of each with two unique personalities, but we just didn't feel like our family was complete yet! I admit after having our second miscarriage and getting Bubs's diagnosis of PDD-NOS even I considered not trying to conceive anymore. We couldn't ignore that "feeling," though, and sure enough when we were "taking a break" from TTC around this time last year the moose-lion's plans were already coming to fruition by God's Will.

When we found out this past November that my husband had testicular cancer I was 20 weeks pregnant. We didn't fully understand how amazing God's timing was until the Dr.'s explained that most men become infertile PRIOR to their diagnosis! How humbling is that!?

And so here he is! Another unique little human being. So dependent on his little instincts to nurse in the middle of the night, cry and fuss if he needs something, and yet growing so quickly - I get smiles every morning, little giggles when I tickle his belly, "conversations," and he already has a love and appreciation for his big brother and sister! Watching him, our last little baby, grow is somewhat bittersweet. But right now I'm just going to revel in this moment after he falls asleep right after nursing and I feel his little breath on me and cuddle him close.

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How far?

How far can you stretch $20 in 11 days? Um, well, I'll let you know in 11 days. I'm guessing it will be gone in 2 days for gas considering my husband's drive to work and our multiple Dr appointments at multiple locations. *sigh* Maybe my Celebrating Home party will be better than I think (not looking so good right now) or maybe I'll sell some of the stuff I posted on Craigslist (no responses yet.). The anxiety is building! I just have to remind myself that God will provide. And prayers surely wouldn't hurt!

And what's with always hitting a financial wall right around my birthday? I don't want expensive gifts or anything but going out to dinner or something would've been nice! I'm sure my wonderful husband and kids will cook up something very special that won't cost a thing! :)

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Blogging from my phone

So I downloaded an app on my HTC Hero called Blogger-droid. I decided I'd try it out right quick. So this is it! I really need to get some sleep, though. I've been having horrible pain from my wisdom tooth scratching my cheek. The whole left side of my face and neck swelled up! It's feeling a little better now - probably in part to some Tylenol! I'm definitely going to try to get some good sleep tonight! Hopefully the baby moose-lion will have the same agenda tonight. He's been restless all day! I do treasure some of our middle of the night bonding moments, but nights like tonight I'd really enjoy some sleep!

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Yum!

I love Chinese food, and we found a new place that makes great food and delivers in a very timely manner! This could be good or bad...

I help you, you help me... or not

So I just took the plunge in trying to help our family out financially again by trying to have a successful internet catalog party for my home decoration direct sales business in attempts to open my account again so I can have some sort of income. I do a pet direct sales business as well, but my first attempt at a party for that one resulted in ONE order and NOBODY at the physical party. Talk about discouraging! So as I get IMMEDIATE declines (probably before they even read what the invitation actually was) I realized how many times I get invites for other people's direct sales businesses, friends that are having babies and need baby stuff, and friends trying to help out their other friends. I'm not much to talk about finances because it's really nobody's business, but let's just say ours aren't the best and we have some expensive things coming up. (Boo NEEDED dental work). I already know exactly what I'll be spending my birthday money on, and my husband hates it. He always says my birthday money should be spent on things I WANT, but I'm finding this year I have to spend it on things WE NEED. But it is what it is. Why do I always try to buy at least a little something at everybody else's direct sales parties, baby showers, or whatever else it may be because I want to help them out? I guess I shouldn't be upset by that. I know it's a blessing that I'm always wanting to help others! And I'm feeling kind of selfish to admit I wish others would realize we need help, too! I don't post this stuff often. And it's not like I'm asking for a handout. I'm asking that somebody look at what I have to offer and see if there is anything they LIKE. They get a nice product (that I gladly refund if necessary)! Ultimately, I think the reason it bothers me so much is because I feel like I did in high school - unimportant, unpopular, forgotten, etc. I mean why will the quickly advertise one of their other friend's events like this but ignore mine? Is it that they don't care or is it that they don't know how badly we need this?? I KNOW not everybody has the money to even buy little things (believe me, I KNOW this), but I would think they'd suggest it to friends they know that would like it!

I have to remind myself that God thinks I'm special and that is ultimately all that matters. Besides, even when things are as crazy as they have been for us over the past year and a half, I have a wonderful husband who loves me unconditionally as well as 3 amazing and unique children. So I suppose the doctors aren't TOTALLY off to say I have a bit of the "blues" going on. I'll confirm that. Ultimately, though, I know I can always count on God and my family to be there for me, and that is enough! :) And I'm tired, so I'm done!

I finally went!

I finally made it to my Doctor appointment today. I almost didn't go again because I hardly had enough energy to leave the house. I'm beginning to see why Fibromyalgia in itself is sometimes disabling. I feel like I can't live normally sometimes. I also learned why people with FMS can easily become discouraged today as well. I go in to explain my NEW symptoms. I mentioned them in my last blog - hand tremors, numbness and tingling in my hands and feet, difficulty concentrating and generally thinking more slowly in general, etc. Well, I was right about what would happen. Now I'm frustrated I even bothered to go. They just looked at the fact that I have a lot of stuff going on right now that is emotional and stressful plus the fact that I have Fibromyalgia and said it's basically nothing. I'd even venture to say they wanted to say "it's all in your head." But to humor me they did some blood work to check for the basics like electrolytes, anemia, B12 deficiency, and even my thyroid again. I blatantly said I thought perhaps they should refer me to a neurologist. After the doctor discusses this with his boss he comes back in asking me if I wanted to hurt myself or my kids! What!? Did they seriously just pull the post-partum depression card after we already discussed all of this!? Yes, I have had PPD. Yes, I even had a touch of it this time around, but even at my worst I have NEVER had those thoughts! Nor did I even mention such a thing, and it was totally irrelevant to the reason I was there!

So the conclusion? Basically it's this - I already have a medical condition (Fibromyalgia) that can't truly be defined but can be directly affected by stress and emotions, I just had a baby, my husband is having medical issues, we just lost a loved one, etc. - therefore my new symptoms must be a direct result of stress and emotions. Really?? I'm not saying it's impossible because stress can do a lot of things, but how many times are they going to pull that card? To make things even worse they said I should definitely be following a Doctor regularly regarding these symptoms as well as my FMS - a psychiatrist. I was speechless. Since when does a psychiatrist handle PHYSICAL symptoms? Why don't they just come out and say that it's "all in my head." I'm so frustrated. My husband is so frustrated as well. I mean he sees what I go through, and he knows what my bad days are like. Why do I feel like he's the only one that can understand?

And to top it off, the doctor says "it's not that I don't believe you..." My response? "Yeah, I'm getting used to that."

Funny how things work

So the whole reason I started blogging again was because of our crazy life. Of course, now I realize that crazy life is what keeps me from being able to blog. Funny how that works. As my husband always says "high speed, high stress. That's how we roll!" haha

But seriously as if things haven't been crazy enough, there is always something new. The whole "high stress" thing is more true than ever. Even hubby is stressed, and he rarely gets stressed! So I'll update in my easiest "to the point" version that I can because well, you know me, I tend to ramble!

This month in particular has been overwhelming! Hubs has been having cardiovascular issues. He was chosen to take part in a study on a new type of water therapy, but they promptly kicked him out of class when his pulse got above 200. So he was scheduled for thorough heart tests, which were initially cancelled due to being out of town (more on that later), but luckily they were able to schedule him in right away when we got back. His heart looks fine, but he does have some sort of small mass in the artery (or is it a vein?) to his right lung. I'm assuming that would explain why his pulse ox drops into the 70's when he exerts a lot of energy. But I'm not a Dr, so what do I know? Anyway, they're not sure what it is yet, but being that he had the kind of cancer that is likely to return, any type of mass is a concern in that department. But seriously, it's a concern in general because he has a hard time breathing! He goes for a follow up on all this on Tuesday with his oncologist. Today he has a couple of unrelated appointments more pertaining to the Medical Board process. The process got a bit stalled - again - so they're trying to get it all figured out as far as what his current condition is with his knee and post-op issues and determining the start of the process because it technically never got started. We're still a little uncertain where we'll go and what he'll do in the civilian world, but we know God will lead us in the right direction.

As for me, I'm clueless. I felt relief from the symptoms I was having during the pregnancy immediately after delivery. Yay for being able to lay on my back again! But now I'm having brand new symptoms. I admit I'm nervous the doctors will blow me off since I'm breastfeeding. That's actually what stalled my diagnosis of Fibromyalgia. They just assumed it was due to the demands on the body lactation causes, but when it lasted beyond the breastfeeding they finally acknowledged there must be something more going on. Perhaps my current symptoms are related to the FMS, but I'm not so sure. They seem to be neurological in nature (but again, what do I know? Seriously, probably more than I should. It kind of happens when you have a lot of medical issues) - shaky hands, muscles weakness, strong muscle spasms and cramping. And now I also have migraine strength headaches that last for days. It's horrible! It's kind of a vicious cycle, though, because I obviously need to see my Dr, but I cancelled two appointments because I wasn't feeling well enough to go, and then I had to cancel my last one due to our emergency out of town. So now I have an appointment next week, so hopefully that one will be a go.

Bubs is about the same. He's been acting up quite a bit since being out of school for the summer. And I'm sure going out of town so suddenly for a little over a week didn't help either considering we had no type of routine at all while we were gone. The last few days he was even asking to go home! He always wants to be places, so that's a big deal! He started private speech therapy last week, so he can keep up with some sense of learning routine outside of the home while he's out of school. Plus he really only gets 15min a week at school, and since he's having a lot of articulation issues, even his teacher suggested he get more. Our insurance approved it, so it's all good! :)

Ah, and the little princess - she is, well, grouchy almost all the time. We're beginning to become concerned since Bubs has his special needs, which involve a lot of social/emotional issues. We don't feel the princess has these same issues, but we've begun to question whether having an older brother with special needs is causing some emotional upsets - or that PLUS the addition of a new sibling. Or perhaps it's the fact that she doesn't seem to get deep sleep. She wakes often at night and will get up without seeming to be aware, and she yells in her sleep as well. I'm not sure which Dr to take her to - the child psychiatrist or her PCM - or neither. I suppose we should start with her PCM to even see if there IS a concern or if we're just being overly cautious because we have a child with special needs. It might just be the plain fact that she's a 2 year old that wants to be independent. We'll see. It's definitely not anything developmental! She's a bit shy, but she definitely doesn't lack vocabulary! She understands so much as well! She just absolutely amazes me every day with the things she says! And despite her new raging emotions she is fitting in to the role of the middle child very well. She always wants to know what her big brother is doing so she can do it, too, and she's always wanting to give her little brother hugs and kisses and help out with him any way she can! I try to tell her the best way to help is for her to use the potty so I don't have two kids in diapers! LOL Hopefully soon...

And as for our new little guy that I will dub the "moose-lion" for the sake of internet privacy and because that's my favorite nickname for him. It's a fictional animal from the cartoon Avatar: the last airbender. I call him "Bubby" a lot as well, but that's too similar to "Bubs," so I don't want to be confusing. Well, we found out the moose-lion has an Atrial Septal Defect, which is the same heart defect my sister and I were born with. The Pediatric Cardiologist said it is small and will probably close on its own or it will just cause a slight murmur and no further problems. Due to my heart history, though, it definitely needs to be followed. So for now, he needs to go back in 6 months. The Dr suggested my sister and I get genetic testing done to see if we have the familial form of ASD. Our dad has an Arterial septal defect so it's probably not a bad idea to do so! Plus it will help us look out for other things in the future should that be the issue or it could rule it out and we wouldn't have to worry about testing our other two kids or any kids my sister may have in the future. She is now married, and sadly I had to miss the wedding because I was only a little over a week post-partum. But I'm looking forward to the idea of having a little niece or nephew to spoil since the moose-lion is our last baby, and I LOVE baby stuff! :)

So that's what is going on with us. Needless to say, lots of Dr appointments and lots of chaos in the household. It really has been an emotional month. On July 9th I found out one of my favorite teachers from high school had passed away. He was only 50, so it was quite a shock. It's so different when you grow up in a town of less than 2000 people and go to the same school Kindergarten through 12th grade. You really know people. I will never forget on graduation day I seemed like the happiest person ever because I always felt like I was the "forgotten one." I was neither liked or disliked, I was just there. And I was SO happy to be able to leave there and start fresh! Another thing about a small school is once you develop your "status" you can't really get rid of it, and I knew there was plenty of reasons to like me! :) So I'm all smiles until this particular teacher gave me a hug and told me if there was anything I ever needed to let him know, and he said he really meant that. I instantly started crying. I know he meant a lot to a lot of people because he did genuinely care, and I'm continually praying for his family as he has two children that will both be in college this year - his youngest just graduated high school. It's so sad. As hubs and I were discussing whether or not I would be able to go over to Northwest Ohio for the funeral (with the moose-lion, of course, since he's nursing), we got a terrible phone call...

It was the following day that we were discussing the possibility of my going over to NW Ohio if our funds would allow and we would be able to find sitters for the older two kids back here when hubby had his Dr appointments. It was all so stressful to talk about and I wasn't feeling well (big surprise), so I laid down for a nap. My husband woke me to tell me he just received a call from his mom that his Granny had taken a bad fall and wasn't doing very well. Suddenly our priorities shifted to getting him over to Southeast Ohio/Northern KY to be with his family. So he did what needed to be done to go on emergency leave from the military and we discussed whether just he should go or the whole family. The biggest concern with the whole family leaving is boarding the dogs. One of my dear friends offered to keep them at her house! What a blessing! I obviously was hoping to go, too, because I honestly don't look at it like "oh, that's HIS family." When we married we became one, so his family is MY family. And Granny meant a lot to me as well. We didn't get to see her as often as I'd like, but when we did it was always so special. She definitely always made me feel like family. A few times I visited her without my husband because he wasn't able to go, and it never felt like I was out of place or anything. I got to visit her during almost every new stage in our life - when my husband and I got engaged, when I was pregnant with Bubs, when Bubs was a baby, when I was pregnant with the princess - a couple times - one being when we were living in Ohio, and they drove up to bring much needed stuff for us after we lost a lot of things (including almost all the baby stuff) in that nasty flood, when the princess was a baby. In fact, the kids and I visited her on our way home from hubby's family day at Ft Benning, and the princess took some of her first crawls at Granny's house! Such a precious moment! My biggest disappointment is, of course, that we didn't get to see her during the pregnancy with the moose-lion, and she didn't get to meet him before she passed. She had 3 great grand-children back to back, and I know that was so special for her because she loved her great grand-babies. I know she got to see him in pictures, and now she can look down on him from Heaven. She was such an amazing Christian woman, and I'm forever grateful for how she influenced my husband to be the spiritual leader that he is! I'm so glad we were able to be there to say goodbye before she passed. Granny was laid to rest on July 19th.

We started our drive back the next day. I'm going to post a blog on my business site about traveling with cloth diapers and traveling with kids in general. When I was by myself with the kids I HAD to travel overnight because the princess despised car rides, so I had to travel when she was sleeping. After traveling 12 hours by myself with two kids, and then again traveling 8 hours with the two kids by myself, I thought the 9 hour drive with two of us and three kids would be no big deal. Yeah, not so much! Wow! We were so glad to be able to spend time with family, but we were SO glad to be home again. We went up to NW OH to see my family as well because my husband's grandma that we were staying with does not have a very kid-friendly home, and it was a bit overwhelming. My mom had already taken that Friday off work because she and my grandma were planning a trip over here to the DC area to see us. So we went up there to see her and we stayed with my sister, and just let the kids run in her fenced backyard with her dog. They were so happy to be able to run without getting in trouble for anything!

We honestly still haven't settled at home yet, though. We're back to our routines, but the emotional stress plus the stress of the trip has taken a toll on me, and my symptoms are raging. It gets so bad I don't even have enough energy to get up! It's more stressful than anything. I still can't get over this feeling of going from being athletic, energetic, and able to handle any pain to being overly tired with no energy, burning out easily from a small cardio workout, and being so extremely sensitive to even the smallest pains. Just going to the dentist this week was pure torture! I mean I have A LOT of dental issues apparently, but oh my goodness, I couldn't handle the pain! And my body's lovely response was a horrible headache. Blech. So needless to say, the house is atrocious! I have all this stuff in my mind about what needs to be done, but I rarely have the energy to do it. :( It's so frustrating. So we're still working on that.

And to top off July, we got a call yesterday from my husband's step-sister saying his dad was being taken to the ER. Apparently he had a few small strokes over the past few weeks and has lost some of his vision. He was at the Dr to check up on all of this when he began to feel like he was going to have another one, so they rushed him to the ER. The good news is, he has no type of paralysis. They're running tests today to see what is causing them. My husband is, once again, ready to contact the Red Cross for emergency leave if need be. Unfortunately, if things do get bad (though we're praying they don't), only he would be able to go. We exhausted our options when we got a loan from AER to go to Ohio, and we can't afford for all of us to go anywhere else for a while. He got to talk to him last night, though, and he said he's feeling ok, so we're praying for the best!

And that's our crazy July in a nutshell! I do have to say, though, we had an awesome 4th of July with some great friends! I think I drank like 2 Pepsi's too many, but oh well! haha Perhaps that's why I can't drop this baby weight! Yeah, I definitely blame Pepsi... well, and my lack of energy. I did take a short walk with the moose-lion in a front pack carrier. I was tired and in a lot of pain afterwards, though. A little at a time, right? Here's to hoping that works with MORE than just dropping the baby weight!

New Giveaway

Check out The Cloth Diaper Whisperer give-aways. If you really need more fluff like I do, you need to follow their blog! http://www.theclothdiaperwhisperer.com/

More chances to win!

Yay! Another giveaway! I LOVE the Cloth Diaper Whisperer! And one is for my favorite diaper even!! So excited! Check them out at www.facebook.com/theclothdiaperwhisperer If you're hesitant at all about trying cloth diapers, check them out! Lots of helpful info on getting started, care of cloth diapers, etc.

Right now I have both our 2 1/2 y/o and our new little man in cloth! The little man is wearing one of the diapers featured in this giveaway! I really hope to win because we could definitely use some more!! We have a VERY small stash right now... especially considering having 2 in diapers. Hopefully the princess will start using the potty soon and get over the regression caused by the little guy's arrival!

Cloth Diapers

With the new addition to our family, I've fallen in love with cloth diapering all over again! Perhaps I should fall in love with blogging again, too, and actually keep everyone updated! :)I will post an update soon!

If you are interested in using cloth diapers, you should check out The Cloth Diaper Whisperer on Facebook www.facebook.com/theclothdiaperwhisperer Great info, advice, and giveaways! I'm in love with the BumGenius AIO's! Our little man looks so cute in cloth!

Hmmmm

I don't know how people have time to blog. Or maybe I just do too many nonsense things online. I don't know. Either way, now is not the time either. haha I feel like crap. Everything is all a bit overwhelming right now, but I will blog about it later.