Winding down 2011

So tomorrow is the last day of 2011. What an interesting year! I still have SO much I didn't blog about that I'd still like to in the future - like our "fun" battle with the Army in regards to my husband's Medical Board that never happened (though should have) and now the wonderful housing up there that charged us almost $1K for sealing the floors due to 2 small "urine marks" on the carpet that were clearly much too small to be done by our Mastiff. And the story about our move down here and our trips to Ohio! Have I even mentioned in my blog that my sis had her first baby and my husband's brother had his first - within the same week? There have definitely been plenty of great moments as well! So I'm going to share a small recap of our family's life in 2011!

* My husband has now been cancer free for a whole year! Praise the Lord!!

* I just finished reading a Bible plan through You Version for the year - making it the 2nd year I've read it all the way through! And will continue!

* I lost all the baby weight and was almost back to the size I was even before all 3 kids, but I gained a little back over this move. I plan on fixing that! ;-)

* I started a few new businesses and dropped some, but through trial and error I'm finally finding what is best for us! My business blog is http://peaofsweetness.info

* I decided Medical Billing and Coding is NOT for me, but I plan on using my MyCAA benefits to become a Certified Personal Trainer with a certificate in Nutrition as well

* In January we moved into a bigger house and different neighborhood on post.

* In March my husband celebrated his 27th birthday. At the end of Match I visited Ohio for my sister's baby shower just myself and the kids - and we all got a horrible stomach virus - including my poor sister! I came home to a very emotional/ stressed out husband who was saying he wanted to leave me. We started counseling and still have things to work on, but we've gladly made progress since then. I'm confident God is working in us and I'll continue to improve.

* Bubs turned 5 and Mooselion celebrated his 1st birthday in April! My mom, aunt, and Grandma from Ohio came over to Virginia to visit us for Easter.

* In May my sister had her 1st baby, and I was in Ohio to be there for his arrival (well, not the actual arrival, but the day after). Joey's brother also had his first baby a few days later, but I needed to go back to Virginia, so I wasn't able to go down and see them.

* In June B graduated from his Special Ed preschool class.

* In July we found out my husband "doesn't qualify for a Medical Evaluation Board" - 30 days before his separation from the Army date. He tried to re-enlist but was denied because his profile required him to go to the Medical Evaluation Board. We started fighting for something (anything) while also planning for the worst (they FORCE him to end his time in service).

* In August we fought and got my husband a 30 day extension so he could re-enlist. There was just no way we could go into the Civilian world with no pension and no health care! And I celebrated my 30th birthday! A couple of days before my bday I experienced my first earthquake (yes, in Virginia!). A couple days later we got a little bit of hurricane Irene. The next week we had floods! Crazy times!

* In Sept we celebrated our 6th anniversary at a retreat for the Warriors in Transition Unit. It was an amazing time and such a blessing! We went to Ohio for our nephew's baptism. I feel honored and blessed to be one of his Sponsors/ Godmother! Then we went down to Cincinnati to see some of my husband's family and finally met our niece as well! B went back to the public school for Kindergarten but that nagging feeling that I should Homeschool him just like I planned to with the other two despite his special needs was confirmed and we began Homeschool Kindergarten. The princess began Homeschool preschool.

* In October we found out the Army was having a hard time placing my husband due to our family's special needs. He got accepted to Fort Hood, TX after requesting they try there (he was born and raised in TX and we both have family in Houston). They dropped his official orders at the end of Oct and the report date was mid December! It's usually not that quick!

* In Nov the kids, dog, and I started the long drive down to TX because my husband opted to use his 30 day transition leave, which put us leaving Ft Belvoir at mid-Nov. He finished clearing and cleaning the house and joined us in Houston a week later. He signed the move-out sheet which said we were good to go, but shortly after we received an e-mail saying we owe $900 for "sealing the floors due to pet urine." We had already applied for housing on Ft Hood, which had a long waiting list, but by God's Grace we were assigned a house on post for early-mid Dec. Off post housing just was going to cost too much due to our needs and his low housing allowance.

* In Dec we got our house on post - almost a week later then they told us, but we got it! We were able to get cable and internet hooked up within 2 days, but our household goods didn't come until the following week. We went back over to Houston that weekend so we could actually stay in houses instead of hotels! My husband quickly got signed in to his new unit just in time for half days! Haha The princess celebrated her 4th birthday! We had her party the weekend before as usual since it's so close to Christmas. We didn't even have our stuff yet! LOL But we still managed to have fun! We were blessed by the Pflugerville fire department with some gifts for Christmas! We celebrated right here - no tree or decorations and in a house full of unpacked boxes, but it was pretty awesome!

And here we are on New Year's Eve! I'm awake right now because the whole move has totally messed the Mooselion up and he is a miserable, non-sleeping mess! He was getting so good with sleeping right before we left! Major regression, and he's nursing more as well! I'm sure he'll settle in soon! My husband's dad and step mom are here for the weekend, so we're excited to have our first family visitors and are ready to ring in the New Year to see what adventures 2012 brings! Happy New Year!

People just don't get it

I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving! Our first half of the day was extremely busy because we had my family's thanksgiving at 1pm and hubby's family at 2pm! Yep - craziness! The food was wonderful, though, and it was nice to have a holiday with family again!

Overall, though, we're so burnt out. All of us. Transition is so hard and so stressful! We're so grateful for a place to stay but we're talking about getting a hotel until we can get our house in a week and a half. The fact that we're getting one on post and that soon is such a blessing! Trying to find a house off post was proving to be extremely stressful! The housing allowance for lower enlisted isn't sufficient when you have three kids! But anyway it's been hard to stay in a house that is not child-proofed and has stairs - and a grumpy little dog. Poor moose-lion's face has become a battle zone. It's awful, and he's just been a wreck the past few nights as well.

We're just so ready to be in our own house again and with our own sweet, huge dog. I'm so, so grateful our friend is keeping her for us... Even if her neighbor did threaten to shoot her because she got out and"looked like an aggressive pit bull." (She's neither aggressive nor a pit bull, which are usually good dogs as well anyway!) Sometimes I just want to yell at people asking them if they've ever had to uproot their family so close to the holidays and how they would feel in that situation! It's stressful enough that we can't keep our pup with us! Plus hubby got yelled at by my grandparents' neighbor for parking his car on the street. I'm sorry we don't have a place to live temporarily because we are moving to a new duty station so my husband can still fight for our country - even after having cancer twice!

But, of course, we say nothing. We let others feel good about themselves by being ignorant and treating others badly. And THESE are the people we're uprooting our lives for!? It's humbled me, though, by reminding me to not make assumptions before getting grumpy or getting an attitude with people because I don't know their situation! And ultimately, it doesn't matter. I want to try to see them how God sees them! Only then will I treat them appropriately because I know if I acted simply how I felt I would NOT be showing God's love. So I am grateful for those that don't because it reminds me that I should!

A long trip

Well, we're on our new journey! The kids, dog, and I made the long drive from the DC area to Houston, TX. Hubby is still up there finishing the house to clear housing then he'll be on his way down. We knew it would be much easier if the kids and dog weren't there during all the packing and loading. I also knew, though, that making that trip alone would not be easy either! I prayed a lot, and overall I was surprised at how well it went! There were definitely crazy moments, but overall it was OK!

Part 1: Ft Belvoir to Greenville, SC. The first day was definitely the worst as far as the driving was concerned. B was playing with hubby before we left and hubby accidentally poked B's eye. Well B didn't do well with that and screamed A LOT. Hubby told him it would be better at night and immediately when the sun went down he said he was fine. Yes, he went from a crying, screaming wreck to perfectly fine within minutes. You think we would know better. Everything is so technical for him, so if you say something like it will be better by a certain time that is exactly what he'll believe. I'm pretty sure it was feeling better within a couple of hours, but at least he used it as an excuse to keep his eyes closed which resulted in much nap time for him! Haha The anxious huge pup did better than I expected! She barked at people but was responsive to correction. What a refreshing response that was!

Part 2: Day 2 didn't start as planned because I was hoping to get together with friends in Greenville, but it didn't work out. I arrived too late the night before due to B's screaming episodes and some traffic due to an accident and then the morning of Day 2 didn't work. So we headed out a little earlier to visit a good friend from high school in Atlanta. The princess lost the key card on our way to the car at which point I realized my car keys were still in the room but I couldn't get in! After the maid opened it for me I got my car keys but still couldn't find the key card. After looking for what felt like forever they finally told me to just not worry about it! Phew! The beast (our mastiff) got to play with my friend's dogs in GA, which was SO good for her! The princess was her normal, dramatic whiny self and feel asleep within minutes of leaving my friend's house! My goal was to make it to Mobile, Alabama, but I wasn't sure I could. At that point, though, the drive was going so well that I DID make it! I called the Motel 6s there since our first night at the Motel 6 went so well. The first one was sold out, so on to the next one. We got a room - on the 2nd floor. WOW what an experience! By then I was tired, but I knew I would have to get kids, dog, and bags into the room in one trip. I put moose-lion in the stroller, gave B and princess each one bag and strapped the rest on my arm and pulled the rolling tote, which became unbalanced in the car so it kept tipping over. So here I am telling the dog to not bark, walking with 2 tired kids, and pushing another tired kid with 4 other bags on my arm. I'm tripping over the leash and stroller as the bags keep slipping down my arm trying to keep the older 2 kids to focus. Getting on the elevator was probably extremely amusing for all the people that were watching this train wreck. I finally get the stroller in and coax the beast in, and B and princess just stand OUT of the elevator just looking at me! Get in here! I dropped the bags immediately after getting off the elevator so I could get beast and kids into the room. When I turn back toward the room after picking up the bags I see the beast just walking out of the room! Luckily she's a good dog, so she just came back. I finally get settled and tend to the now screaming moose-lion. All 3 kids suddenly got new bursts of energy and were up until midnight.

Part 3: I decided to condense bags for the trip back to the car. I put mooselion in the Beco on my back, put 2 bags in the stroller, and had each kid carry a bag. That worked much better! Of course on our way to the car we had to take the long way around to avoid a smoker because we're all allergic and didn't want to deal with allergies on top of everything else! Then B dumped the stroller accidentally, and then a couple of little dogs saw the beast and started barking at her getting her riled up! The people freaked because they thought she was going to eat their dogs or something! LOL Yet she got into the car nicely as they're still fighting with their yappy little dogs! Haha We got back on the road and had a smooth drive to Houston! :-)

That's the summary of the drive down! Definitely never a dull moment, but even the stuff that was stressful really is funny now! Haha More stress has come with finding a place for the beast because we knew we couldn't bring her here to my grandparents' because of their dogs but I'm SO grateful one of our friends is able to keep her at their house while we're in Houston! We still haven't found housing near Fort Hood yet, so please pray that we find something quickly!

I thought I was blogging

So I thought I had blogged from my phone - to at least say sorry I haven't blogged. But apparently I posted it to my private blog, so that really did me no good for this one! haha I WANT to start blogging again. I'm considering combining my business blog to just be an overall life blog. I'm not sure. What do you think? I'm really wanting feedback. I really need to minimize! haha But at the same time I do feel like my Pea of Sweetness blog is more for business-related. Or maybe I should start a whole new website... no, that would be too much right now! haha

So obviously I have a lot to talk about - and I will get to all that in depth, but for now let me throw out the important updates:
It has been one year since my husband had started chemotherapy. Wow. He is still having a lot of residual issues from the treatment that may never really go away, but the great news is - he is CANCER FREE! Praise the Lord!

Due to a very, long complicated issue (yes, there will be a nice, long blog dedicated to this one) he will not be receiving a medical discharge and so he has re-enlisted because honestly, it's what's best for our family. We would have had less than 30 days for him to find a civilian job - and it would need to have good healthcare for the kids and me. That is not an easy task in this economy!

So, we finally got confirmation that we'll be moving back to Texas! He is thrilled to say the least - and I'm excited to move on to better things as I'm convinced this will be great for us! So we'll be going to Fort Hood. We're still waiting on an official date, but sooner rather than later would be AWESOME! :) (There's also a big, long blog in this one somewhere about the many reasons I'll be excited to move on!)

Bubs started Kindergarten this year. It's almost weird calling him "Bubs" now because the moose-lion has surely adopted the nick name "Bubby." haha I think I'll just refer to our oldest son now as "B." So B started Kindergarten this year against my nagging feeling of wanting to homeschool him. I've ALWAYS wanted to homeschool but felt I couldn't since he's on the Autism Spectrum. Well, it took all of 2 weeks to confirm my nagging feeling that I'd rather homeschool and so now we are homeschooling. Again, I'll write a whole blog about this.

The princess is also doing "homeschool" preschool. Honestly, it's not much different than Kindergarten, so it's been a treat for all of us! :) She loves doing her projects but does get easily distracted. I wouldn't expect much different for an almost 4 year old!

And then there is the moose-lion (or Bubby haha). He will officially be 18 months tomorrow. Wow. 1 1/2. Where did time go? Well, he is still nursing a couple of times a day, though he's also gone an entire day without nursing. He almost always nurses at sleepy times, though. And yes, he still wakes once or twice a night. It's not really TO nurse, but he will, of course, and it's also the quickest way to get him back to sleep! He does sleep in his room in his crib, and he has slept through the night a handful of times. He is also breaking more than 4 teeth at once, so my guess is THAT is the culprit of his night wakings - especially since he fusses and cries like he is in pain. And yes, that is the reason I give in and help him back to sleep. What can I say? I'm a sucker for my moose-lion, and *sometimes* I like that he still needs me so much. Other times it gets overwhelming and somewhat annoying, but hey, all parents have those days, right?

And I think that's the important stuff. Each of those individually will be gone into depth in different blogs! Hopefully sooner rather than later... but we'll see how that goes! :)

Updated

I updated my new private blog again, so if you still would like the info for that please let me know.

In other news - the moose-lion turned one and Bubs turned 5!! Important milestones! Wow! Where has the time gone!? Moose-lion still wakes once or twice a night, though, so I probably should get some sleep since I was just able to put him down again! I really do need to blog more regularly, though! Sorry! :/

Another blog

Well, it seems you can only make your blog all private or all public. Although I created this blog to share my real emotions the subject I briefly mentioned in my last blog would be best to be shared only with a very limited follower group - those that truly know us and care about us, prayer warriors, etc. I will be starting a completely new blog for this purpose and leave this one open. If you'd like the info & permissions for the new blog please let me know! I've always appreciated everyone's love and support. I pray you had a blessed Easter! He is Risen!

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I just don't know anymore...

Anything I thought I knew is so jaded right now. I haven't blogged in so long because our family was going through a lot. The emotional ups and downs experienced over the past year and a half have been just crazy! I was so relieved when it was over and our family could be "on the mend." I guess I couldn't be farther from the truth. I have been totally blind-sided. It's amazing how people can see things so differently: the pursuit of "happiness" vs. the pursuit of holiness (a.k.a. God's Will), consulting family and friends vs. consulting our Father. But then how is one supposed to feel when they've pursued God's heart just to be slapped in the face by thoughts from this world? It's disheartening and discouraging. The only thing I DO know is that all I can do is continue to pursue God and focus on what He is telling me and know that whatever happens I will keep my faith in Him and trust Him. I know I surely need His intervention right now.

Bad blogger

Man, I've been able to update my fitness blog a couple of times, but I've been SO bad about blogging here! I think part of it is because I don't WANT to. I mean really I DO, but I'm not sure people want to know what's been going on here! I started this blog with every intention to be totally and completely honest, but I also like to be positive. Perhaps it's because around this time last year I got chided by a "friend" for being negative when Joey was diagnosed with cancer initially. It was a rough time, and I thought if anything I could be open about my feelings on Facebook, which I have set up to be totally private! I even have a group of "friends" on Facebook in a category labeled "Other," and even they can't see my wall posts, pictures, updates, etc. Ok, I guess now the secret is out! haha But with everything going on in our lives right now I NEED that outlet, and there are things I'll talk about on Facebook that I won't even talk about in this blog simply because it is private. But yeah, even on Facebook I got "attacked" in a private message about things I was saying basically saying I'm discouraging and giving *unmentionable* a bad name, and I'm a disgrace to all wives associated with *unmentionable.* REALLY!? How can sharing our personal experiences be a disgrace? If the truth is that disgraceful certainly somebody needs to talk about it! But anyway... I won't. Not in detail on a public blog. But I felt I SHOULD be able to talk about it to my friends. That's why they're my friends. Needless to say it's made me hesitant in general to talk about my feelings... particularly negative ones.

BUT then I realize I'm not alone. Somebody else might be out there having a similar experience that would feel relieved to come across this blog and realize THEY are not alone. People say, in general, I'm pretty positive about everything. I'd say outwardly it's true, and emotionally I am at peace knowing God is seeing us through every step of the way. I do NOT know what I'd do without Him! I surely would have lost it a million times by now! My human emotions and spiritual emotions are in constant conflict right now! A classic example is I'm constantly stressed and disappointed we don't have more help, yet I'm extremely grateful and feel immensely blessed by those who help! There are friends that have helped us that are having their own hard times, and I even feel a little guilty accepting help! And many friends and family that don't live near us sent us money for gas for our multiple trips for the hospital! They went above and beyond and sent us enough for gas for the final 3 weeks!! What an amazing blessing!

But now I am very tired, and I have a baby who doesn't like to sleep, so I need to get sleep while I can. I just wanted to apologize for being a terrible blogger but let you know to be prepared for a flooding of honest emotions concerning being a caregiver to a spouse going through cancer treatment and having 3 kids under the age of 5! I'll break it up into multiple posts because there are lots of different things to discuss! As always, thank-you for the prayers! God bless!

Never mind

He woke up... Again. Finish blogging later I suppose.

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Rough Times

Wow. This has honestly been harder than imagined. At this moment I'm blogging on my phone as I am wearing the moose-lion and rocking back and forth while he sleeps. If I dare sit down he will wake and cry... Again. I haven't been able to get anything done in two weeks! Now obviously I'm always honest because that's just who I am, but get ready for some straight forward, raw emotions.

Chemotherapy week for my husband was ROUGH. He got sick right away and was either vomiting or sleeping for the first two or three days.

I finally sat down, so I'm going to finish this on the computer...

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Oh ye of little faith!

I just had a good listen of a wonderful "virtual" friend of ours, and I am rebuking my lack of faith from my previous blog post about healing! How did I let it wear me down to where I can say there is EVER a purpose for sickness? In the New Testament they healed ALL who came - so why not us? There is NO reason why not! BY HIS STRIPES WE ARE HEALED! I know this scripture, I believe in healing, but why not for us?? I have been healed before, so why not a healing for EVERYTHING? I was told I had Endometriosis (and it runs in my family) and would have difficulty conceiving. At the time I was unsure whether or not I wanted children, but I KNEW I didn't want the pain it was causing me, so I went to the altar for healing, and I felt it leave me!! I didn't have that pain anymore, and when I did meet my husband we had no trouble conceiving! Praise the Lord!!

Perhaps our lack of faith can be attributed to reason. Well, God may want to do this or that through my sickness. NOWHERE in the Bible does it say God has used sickness for a purpose, and He is the same yesterday, today, and forever! People say they are inspired by how positive we can be through all of this. But how positive are we really? I will tell you, I am going to lay hands on my husband and rebuke that cancer! I believe he is healed! I think we worry so much that we WON'T be healed that we're afraid to speak healing over others for fear that if they're not healed it will "look bad" or take away from ours or their faith. Shame on that thinking! God didn't choose this for us! And how much more of an inspiration can we be when we accept our healing and be a living testimony of God's healing! How many more people can we inspire and show God's way when we are alive and well rather than unwell - or worse - deceased. So please, should I show my weakness again - rebuke me and remind me that we are healed and there is NO reason to doubt! And now I must get back to my homework.

What a night!

I shared this with my friend, so I thought I'd copy and paste it to my blog as well since I haven't shared a blog in a while! This was my night:

My husband found out around dinner time that he'd have to start a CQ shift at 7am. I already have two different things on my calendar for tomorrow including one volunteer shift at a local church's consignment sale. So, I had to take him up to work after just getting home right before the kids' bed time, so that way I didn't have to wake everyone up before 6am to get there. I'm sick and now having dizzy spells on top of my cold, so we stop to get me something to drink on the way up there. As we're driving up there he's telling me what he was reading about chemotherapy treatment, and it made me so nervous I felt nauseous so couldn't drink it anyway. Plus just the stress of driving in this area is ridiculous! We seriously had two "close calls" just driving up there! So yeah, I was totally freaking out.

Then I just started thinking about everything and how I need extra rest since I'm sick but won't have any overnight help with the moose-lion and then started thinking about the chemo thing again, and I just lost it. I mean it was a long time coming, but tonight was the last straw. This whole thing with his work is all because of one new guy that is apparently on some kind of power trip. Luckily the older two fell asleep, but the moose-lion cried the ENTIRE way home - as did I. Then when we get home I have to get everybody out of the car, so the older two kids start crying since they were asleep. And since they had fallen asleep before my husband got out of the car they were confused where he was which got them even more upset. So as I'm unbuckling them and getting screaming moose-lion (and the dogs) out of the van, I spill my still almost full drink right into my purse RIGHT ON MY PHONE. Of course it was RIGHT on the battery connector, so it died immediately. I tried to clean it all up and air it out, but yeah, I can't do anything with it. The touch screen is shot! And so now kids are all asleep, and I'm just going to rest. *Sigh*

On a silly note, I had my appointment with the psychiatrist last week, and she said I'm not crazy and these neurological symptoms seem to have nothing to do with my stress. I mean I surely feel slightly crazy tonight after all this, but she made a good point - who WOULDN'T feel slightly stressed with everything we have going on? Ok, she did diagnose me with a mild case of OCD, but I honestly saw that one coming. I think I was ignoring it for a long time until it started giving me anxiety recently. She said I could increase my Zoloft, but I said no. I'd rather have a few OCD tendencies and a little anxiety than to potentially affect my baby by increasing it anymore. She did say she would *prefer* I wean him at 6 months so she could put me on a different medication (in place of the Zoloft) that seems to be more effective for Fibromyalgia. Once again, though, I'm choosing not to. If you checked out my workout blog you'll see I'm choosing to a more natural fight against the Fibro by working out and changing what I eat, and I've had small flare-ups (mostly from having this cold), but overall I've been feeling pretty good!! Besides, if it is not keeping me from being able to take care of my family then I don't see the point of taking a medication that would require me to wean my baby early. They insist 6 months isn't "early," but to ME it is!

So, I did get my referral to the neurologist so I can finally see if there might be something more going on. The psychiatrist was very surprised that they recommended I see her first. She said their job as physicians is to rule out ANY medical conditions BEFORE sending someone to behavioral health. After I thought about it that really does make sense. What if they are dismissing something that is really serious?? They could be putting someone's life at risk! I'm grateful that does not seem to be the case with me, but still! She said she was very surprised at how I seem to be handling the trials in our life at the moment. I told her it is simply because God gives us the strength to handle them and I know no-matter what comes our way He is still in control. Don't get me wrong - I stress out - as I mentioned earlier about my breakdown tonight, but I am human after-all. Silly human nature! And tonight I'm even struggling with the "why us? and why ALL of this?" thing tonight, but I know God has a reason for everything, and He loves us! And how blessed are we for that!! After saying those things to her she was like "um, I honestly don't even think we need to have regular visits." So, I guess it makes me feel good to confirm I have it somewhat together!

But if I do not get some sleep I surely won't feel like I have it together tomorrow! haha Oh, and I just realized I have a rash on my hand, too! What a crazy night!

My fitness journey: Introducing my new blog

My fitness journey: Introducing my new blog: "I have decided to start a separate blog for my fitness journey. I feel so blessed to have been introduced to the Beachbody opportunity to im..."

Our 5th Anniversary

Wow, I can't believe it's been 5 years!! And what a blessed 5 years it has been! I'm sure some people could look at it and say we've definitely faced many challenges in our 5 years of marriage, but I just feel blessed that we had each other to face those challenges with - together! There was even a time I feared the challenges would tear us apart, but God has been faithful to keep us strong for each other and for our kids. After 5 years I am still so in love with my husband, and I look forward to being in love with him for many more years!!

We celebrated our anniversary a day early by going to Medieval Times. It was SO much fun, and a much needed date night out! The food was fantastic, the entertainment was well, entertaining, and the experience was awesome. We went all out because well, the 5 year mark is a big deal, right!? We got the "Royal Package," which included front row seats, and we even got a special announcement package where they announced our anniversary during the show, and after it we got "knighted" by the king. What a blast! The kids quickly claimed the flags and the paper crowns when we got home! haha What a very special day! I try hard not to take any days for granted and cherish all the moments!

I know I haven't yet updated on my husband's oncologist appointment. This past week we have just been having so much fun! haha And, well, I don't exactly know how to explain it to where it doesn't sound a bit odd. Basically we were presented with three options: biopsy the tumor, perform chemo without a biopsy, or wait to perform another PET scan. Options in detail to follow:

Biopsy the tumor to make sure 100% that it is a mixed germ cell tumor (mixed germ cell is typical of testicular cancer, and although my husband's make-up was slightly different than the "average" mixed germ cell tumor, it was a mixed germ cell nonetheless), although it can very likely be assumed this tumor is from the spread of his testicular cancer given the location (it just happens to be one of the lymph nodes the doctor didn't choose to remove during his RPLND) and history. It kind of makes sense that since the lymph nodes were NOT affected at the time of the RPLND they wouldn't remove that one due to the fact that it is right by the vena cava. That alone poses a risk. So a biopsy would pose TWO risks - one being the location, and the other being they would basically have to perform almost the exact same surgery as the RPLND to get to it! He is already having complications from his RPLND, and such a surgery is guaranteed to make them worse. Ultimately, this did not sound like a good option, and EVERY doctor called to discuss his case suggested NOT to pursue this option.

So, option number two was chemotherapy with the assumption that this truly is a germ cell tumor as a direct result of the testicular cancer. The oncologist as well as the urologist are fairly confident that's exactly what this is, and if that is the case, it would be very sensitive to chemotherapy and would be gone in 3 treatments. (3 treatments of 5 days in a row of chemo, 3 weeks off.) But there is a small chance it is a *different* type of cancer such as a lymphoma. Given his age and history, this would be almost a ridiculous notion, but there's always that "maybe." And not ALL cancers do respond to chemotherapy, so if that is the case, he'd be getting it for no good reason. Because there are risks with chemotherapy (such as a terminal form of leukemia that cannot be cured), the question was if this should happen 10 years down the road would he question that decision to just jump into the chemotherapy without actually knowing if that was the answer - or worse - that it is a different cancer, and the chemo didn't even work on it AND the side effects were for nothing.

So option #3. WAIT. And this is where it seems a little funny. And I mean funny like odd, not like haha funny. Basically the thought is if we wait a few more weeks a couple things could happen - the tumor gets bigger but is still unaccessible or the tumor gets big enough that the cancer cells have to find another home - preferably somewhere with easy access for a biopsy so they do know exactly where it is. Because they are fairly confident this is a mixed germ cell tumor we're dealing with, spreading isn't as scary as it sounds because of how sensitive it is to chemo. In fact, the treatment regiment would still be exactly the same. Now if it doesn't spread but has still gotten bigger, chemo will probably still be recommended. But at least at that point we will know we would've waited to make sure we did everything we could before just going for the chemo. It's very possible they'll suggest waiting again. We'll cross that bridge when we get there. But yes, for now, we wait. He will repeat his PET scan on Sept 30th.

And so there is always option #4. God's healing touch. According to my faith I absolutely believe in God's healing powers. But I also believe in praying for God's Will. I believe God heals people in different ways for His glory. My husband and I have talked a lot about the subject. I mean how can you not when I have Fibromyalgia, our oldest son is on the Autism spectrum, and his cancer? We have had many of our friends and family ask "why?" Why does it all have to happen to us? I can't exactly answer that, but I can say that no matter how hard Satan tries to interfere, we are sill glorifying and praising God! Perhaps that fact alone is the reason! If we touch one lost soul by our love for God despite our challenges, then it is all worth it! These bodies are not our own! They belong to God! He will not give us more than we can handle, and we will not leave us or forsake us! We are his vessels to be the light in the darkness! If we focus only on the darkness, how can we be that light for others? Not receiving healing does NOT equal a lack of faith. I am not saying anyone should claim their problems, but I am saying we should stop focusing on them and start focusing on what is the purpose. How is God using them to his glory? Perhaps when we look at that we'll realize our "problems" aren't as bad as they seem! I have full faith that God's Will will be done, and that it will be the right thing regardless of whether or not it seems "right" to us. And so, that is what I will continue to pray - for God's Will, and for Him to sustain us and give us peace. And He always does! I pray we will always be a light in the darkness.

We got some bad news

I'm not feeling the greatest as I am both physically and emotionally exhausted today, but I wanted to blog about the latest news we got concerning my husband's cancer.

He had a PET done this morning. We got the call for his results about an hour after he got home. He went outside to talk on the phone, so I was pacing the house nervously. The results did come back showing a "hot spot" where the tumor is. The Oncologist said there are different ways we can address this. His original tumors were mixed (some seminoma and a few different types of non-seminoma: carcinoma, teratoma). We were told it had a high likelihood of returning. We'll have no idea what the breakdown of this tumor is without a biopsy. The only problem is the tumor is very close to the vena cava. It wouldn't be a simple biopsy for sure and would require surgery, and there are obviously risks because of where it is. Or because of his history, do they just go ahead and start a regiment of chemotherapy? Some types don't respond to chemo, though, but it seems like they'd ultimately still try it anyway. This is new for us, though, because his last tumors were isolated and didn't require chemo. Chances are high this tumor resulted from the testicular cancer and isn't a new cancer (like lymphoma, though that IS a possibility since it's a lymph node, but not very likely). Sooo... without going into tons of details - because I'm sure you can imagine neither option is exactly pleasant - we're waiting until his appointment on Tuesday to talk to the oncologist and urologist after they have had a chance to discuss it with each other, and they'll be wanting our input as well. As if we have a clue! We have a lot of research to do and things to discuss over this wonderful 4-day weekend!

And, unfortunately, I probably won't be able to go with him to his appointment because he would be there during the time Bubs's bus come for school, and that's his first day back to school! I'm afraid of throwing a curve ball on his first day back. I know he's excited to go back either way, but it is still likely to throw off his day. And that's even if we could get a sitter who could come to our house during that time. I don't even know what anybody's schedule is anymore and who is or isn't available. It just stinks that his Dr is an hour's drive away. Yes, an hour to drive less than 20 miles. It's horrendous!

I don't know what I'm feeling right now. I know ultimately everything is in God's hands. That's what got us through this before, and that's what will get us through this again. The possibilities are unsettling, and I don't think I'm ready to think about it yet. We've actually discussed having the kids and myself move to wherever it is we plan to settle when his Med Board is over before it's even over so the kids and I will be near family and friends, and we can get them settled into something "regular." We've even discussed it may be easier because my husband always feels the need to help out even when he doesn't feel well, and we obviously wouldn't have to worry about that in that case. But the fact that his Med Board is stalled again because of these new findings and the fact that it could still take up to 9 months (the last estimate they gave him) for it to happen, we're not sure that really IS the best thing. Just more things to think about I suppose.

I love my baby boy

So I'm laying here at 2am just loving the fact that even though I'm having a hard time sleeping (as always), I have my little moose-lion next to me and a phone I can blog on! Haha

Seriously, babies are so amazing! Even after three, I'm still in awe every day! And that statement can definitely be applied to the older two as well! But as I lay here feeling his little breath on my chest and his little feet fluttering sporadically I'm just thinking about all the things babies accomplish in 4 months!

The moose-lion officially turned 4 months on the 26th. (And I turned 29 on the 24th! Where did time go?) He went from not even having his suck reflex at birth and transitional breathing issues to being able to nurse while he sleeps to cooing with the sweetest deep voice I've ever heard a baby have! (Yes, I realize I'm biased on the "sweetest" part, but I have truly never heard a baby with a voice as deep as his! It's so cute!) But that is what amazes me about babies! Their ability to learn and grow so much so quickly... And yet still remain so dependent. Parenting is such a unique blessing in that way! We must provide their needs while encouraging them to grow and develop! Babies are born with survival instincts, but human babies really need that social interaction to truly survive - and thrive! I'm just so enamored by my sweet baby!

And the other thing I consider such a blessing is I've felt this way THREE times! God is SO good! When we had our first I was amazed by how quickly that motherly love takes place! It's immediate and amazingly beautiful! I truly couldn't imagine feeling that intensity again! I mean, could I truly have more love to give? Then the princess was born, and I experienced it all over again and instantly knew she wasn't just "another baby," but another incredibly unique little human being! (And those two really are total opposites!) So a lot of people said we should stop since we have one of each with two unique personalities, but we just didn't feel like our family was complete yet! I admit after having our second miscarriage and getting Bubs's diagnosis of PDD-NOS even I considered not trying to conceive anymore. We couldn't ignore that "feeling," though, and sure enough when we were "taking a break" from TTC around this time last year the moose-lion's plans were already coming to fruition by God's Will.

When we found out this past November that my husband had testicular cancer I was 20 weeks pregnant. We didn't fully understand how amazing God's timing was until the Dr.'s explained that most men become infertile PRIOR to their diagnosis! How humbling is that!?

And so here he is! Another unique little human being. So dependent on his little instincts to nurse in the middle of the night, cry and fuss if he needs something, and yet growing so quickly - I get smiles every morning, little giggles when I tickle his belly, "conversations," and he already has a love and appreciation for his big brother and sister! Watching him, our last little baby, grow is somewhat bittersweet. But right now I'm just going to revel in this moment after he falls asleep right after nursing and I feel his little breath on me and cuddle him close.

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How far?

How far can you stretch $20 in 11 days? Um, well, I'll let you know in 11 days. I'm guessing it will be gone in 2 days for gas considering my husband's drive to work and our multiple Dr appointments at multiple locations. *sigh* Maybe my Celebrating Home party will be better than I think (not looking so good right now) or maybe I'll sell some of the stuff I posted on Craigslist (no responses yet.). The anxiety is building! I just have to remind myself that God will provide. And prayers surely wouldn't hurt!

And what's with always hitting a financial wall right around my birthday? I don't want expensive gifts or anything but going out to dinner or something would've been nice! I'm sure my wonderful husband and kids will cook up something very special that won't cost a thing! :)

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Blogging from my phone

So I downloaded an app on my HTC Hero called Blogger-droid. I decided I'd try it out right quick. So this is it! I really need to get some sleep, though. I've been having horrible pain from my wisdom tooth scratching my cheek. The whole left side of my face and neck swelled up! It's feeling a little better now - probably in part to some Tylenol! I'm definitely going to try to get some good sleep tonight! Hopefully the baby moose-lion will have the same agenda tonight. He's been restless all day! I do treasure some of our middle of the night bonding moments, but nights like tonight I'd really enjoy some sleep!

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Yum!

I love Chinese food, and we found a new place that makes great food and delivers in a very timely manner! This could be good or bad...

I help you, you help me... or not

So I just took the plunge in trying to help our family out financially again by trying to have a successful internet catalog party for my home decoration direct sales business in attempts to open my account again so I can have some sort of income. I do a pet direct sales business as well, but my first attempt at a party for that one resulted in ONE order and NOBODY at the physical party. Talk about discouraging! So as I get IMMEDIATE declines (probably before they even read what the invitation actually was) I realized how many times I get invites for other people's direct sales businesses, friends that are having babies and need baby stuff, and friends trying to help out their other friends. I'm not much to talk about finances because it's really nobody's business, but let's just say ours aren't the best and we have some expensive things coming up. (Boo NEEDED dental work). I already know exactly what I'll be spending my birthday money on, and my husband hates it. He always says my birthday money should be spent on things I WANT, but I'm finding this year I have to spend it on things WE NEED. But it is what it is. Why do I always try to buy at least a little something at everybody else's direct sales parties, baby showers, or whatever else it may be because I want to help them out? I guess I shouldn't be upset by that. I know it's a blessing that I'm always wanting to help others! And I'm feeling kind of selfish to admit I wish others would realize we need help, too! I don't post this stuff often. And it's not like I'm asking for a handout. I'm asking that somebody look at what I have to offer and see if there is anything they LIKE. They get a nice product (that I gladly refund if necessary)! Ultimately, I think the reason it bothers me so much is because I feel like I did in high school - unimportant, unpopular, forgotten, etc. I mean why will the quickly advertise one of their other friend's events like this but ignore mine? Is it that they don't care or is it that they don't know how badly we need this?? I KNOW not everybody has the money to even buy little things (believe me, I KNOW this), but I would think they'd suggest it to friends they know that would like it!

I have to remind myself that God thinks I'm special and that is ultimately all that matters. Besides, even when things are as crazy as they have been for us over the past year and a half, I have a wonderful husband who loves me unconditionally as well as 3 amazing and unique children. So I suppose the doctors aren't TOTALLY off to say I have a bit of the "blues" going on. I'll confirm that. Ultimately, though, I know I can always count on God and my family to be there for me, and that is enough! :) And I'm tired, so I'm done!