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Tuesday, December 15, 2009


So, I keep getting my log-in information messed up. I've been getting these horrendous headaches, so I give it a couple of tries and then I barely get on the comp at all. Benadryl has become my best friend at night because it helps the headaches AND helps me sleep. And, of course, safe to take while pregnant, so that's definitely the most important aspect!

I went days without playing WoW, which is, of course, a big deal. haha I logged back on a few nights ago and got a new achievement. Ambassador of Alliance! So happy! Oddly enough, the next day we met up with a couple of our guildies for lunch. They are SO awesome. They always pay for our lunch! They even had Christmas gifts for the kids and a birthday gift for the little Princess since her b-day is right before Christmas. I feel so blessed to be part of an awesome Christian guild. They're seriously like our family! And honestly, the friends we have in this area from the guild are some of THE closest friends we have in the area. And you have to appreciate ANY friends that will lay their hands on you and pray with you. There's not much will miss about this area, but good friends will definitely be missed!

At this point we're *fairly* sure we'll be heading back to Houston, TX when it's all said and done. Hubby has talked with his Commander, and being a family man himself he said he would never want to move if his wife was at the end of the pregnancy, so he has decided to try to at least keep us here until the baby is born, so that is one less worry! He also let hubs come home yesterday just to go on leave until after his convalescent leave is up after the next surgery. He saw it as any good servant leader would - this soldier is in the middle of cancer treatment and needs to be taking care of stuff at home, not sitting at a desk for a week and a half. He also sent him home with his prayers. Praise the Lord for putting such a man in such a position! We will be finishing up the Will, his living will, and the POA over his medical care this week. It's the stuff you don't WANT to think about, but you know it's important. I have faith that there won't be a "just in case," but it needs to be done anyway! Especially when kids are involved!

Hubs is currently jamming to Guitar Praise. I got it as one of his Christmas gifts so he had something to do in the hospital (we'll hook it up to the laptop). How cool to be jamming to Inspirational music at the hospital, right? When we came up with a gift budget, I totally didn't even think of myself and spent it all on the kids and him. I can genuinely say I don't care. I'm totally happy seeing how much they will enjoy their gifts! That's the best part anyway! I think at this point the kids have either peeked at their gifts before they were wrapped, or they've teared a sliver of paper off of each gift! haha They're still young toddlers and they're doing this already! Bubs actually came up to me at CiCi's Pizza when we were there with our friends and asked for money for the video games! He's 3 1/2!! Next it will be the car keys! LOL

Well, headache is setting in again. Yippee! I guess that means it's a good time to go to bed!

Thursday, November 26, 2009


Ah, I said over 2 months ago I would start posting more... yet I have failed to do so. And what a whirlwind our "abnormal" family has been through! And so I shall sum it up in this blog and *hopefully* keep writing blogs from here. This way they will hopefully make sense. I've decided to no longer use my children's real names since it is a public blog. I realize how many people could actually read it! So if you know them, you'll know, otherwise, enjoy the read with the aliases of my children! :)

Let's start with the head of the family and work down. My awesome, wonderful husband was diagnosed with testicular cancer a couple of weeks ago. I admit we were in absolute shock. I really had no idea he was the "prime" age for testicular cancer. It just shows how much even a nerd like myself DOESN'T know. I admit, my initial reaction was that there is no way our family can keep it together. I mean, if you know how much he does for us, I feel overwhelmed at the idea of picking up the slack. But we have managed thus far. He had surgery immediately to remove the cancerous testicle. It was one of the hardest days of my life as I sat at home without a sitter and just waited for a phone call. I got a little snippy with his 1st Sgt when he had our friend tell me to call him so I could update him. My response was "you know just as much as I do because I'm stuck at home without a sitter because people have failed to help like they said they would AGAIN." (I said this in reference to them saying THEY would provide a way to get someone over here to watch the kids so I could go be with my husband). He said he thought it was taken care of, yet he heard my screaming children in the background at which point he knew somebody messed up. But regardless, I did have a nice friend come over here after she got off work to run the kids through their night time routine so I could go be with him. His surgery was on Veteran's Day of all days, and he seems to be recovering nicely. It's not over yet, though, as the biopsy revealed the severity of the cancerous tumors (there were 3) were pretty intense. The CT scan came back clear for it being in his lymph nodes, but the doctors find it imperative to proceed with the surgery to remove the lymph nodes in his lower abdomen. He has multiple types of cancer, and the severe one doesn't always show up in the CT scans, but we are hopeful it hasn't spread because the tumor markers in his bloodwork have declined. He will be in the hospital for at least a week as it is a pretty intense surgery. I have had open heart surgery, and I admit, the thought of the incision he will be getting makes me cringe! He will be having surgery shortly after Christmas - on Dec 29th. I am praying everyone comes through as promised this time because I cannot fathom him going through this without me by his side! *I* can't imagine not being there! As of now, he is on convalescent leave until Dec 11th, at which time he may use some leave so he can remain home until the next surgery. Or he may go in and sit at the desk for those couple of weeks. Whatever works out I guess. If they don't find anymore cancer during the surgery, his treatment is considered successful - at which point his Med Board will begin. It is initially for his knee injury, of course, but they wanted to wait until the cancer treatment is at a stopping point (besides follow-ups), so it will be on his medical record. At that time, they want to have it all said and done within 75 days. We could be out of here as soon as March! Makes me a little nervous switching OB's that late in the pregnancy, but I guess we just have to go with the flow and trust God. And no, we have NO idea where we'll go yet! Woo hoo! Yay for adventure!

So onto the question people seem to be afraid to ask: How am I? If I had to sum it up, I'd say I'm hormonal, emotional, overwhelmed, burnt out, and slightly bitter. It's a really long story, but the raw truth of it is I feel somewhat forgotten and abandoned. It's like if nobody knows what to say, they say nothing. Or they just ignore everything altogether simply because yes, I DO have an "attitude," if you will, about things. Sure! Stuff is getting to me! Can you fathom what it is like when the person you love and rely on to help you with every day tasks gets diagnosed with cancer and has to have surgery... and an upcoming MAJOR surgery? It's OVERWHELMING! I have physical problems. That is the TRUTH of it. My heart is acting up, and for about 2 weeks now I've been fighting intense heart palpitations, extreme dizziness and vertigo, intense headaches, and seeing spots and flashes of light randomly. I'm somewhat disoriented due to this and feel totally out of control. I finally had a moment to call my Dr at which point they asked me to go to the ER. So I did, and everything was normal. Aside from my heart, but it's never normal due to the defect I had to have fixed. They said they think this is just how it's going to be right now. They advised me not to drive and to get help and support from family and friends. But what if you don't have that? I mean, people have their own lives to tend to, and some people have situations just as intense, you know? Or then you have people that do help that make you feel worse about yourself for having the medical issues that you have. I know there are a lot of people that have Fibromyalgia. It seems to be so common that at least everybody knows SOMEBODY that has it. But people need to educate themselves! Fibromyalgia is different for everyone! And just because other people live basically normal lives doesn't mean *I* do. Not to mention I cannot take the major medication for the pain right now - and add the pregnancy and my heart condition on top of it, and you'll realize, I'm absolutely different. I do my absolute best. I REALLY do. But I have to accept my limitations or our entire family will suffer. What good will it be if I push myself to the point of absolute, physical burnout? We'll have a man recovering from surgery, a woman who can do no more, and two toddlers trying to cope! I just want people to stop telling me what's best for OUR family. We're all different, and I have no doubt that despite our craziness, our family is just as God intended it to be. I have no doubt He WILL give me the strength to perservere through this. I can honestly say there are very few things I want as far as help goes: someone to stay with the kids so I can be there for the surgery (which as of now it seems we will have), someone to perhaps think of our family if they cooked a big meal and have extras, someone to maybe play with or take the kids for a couple hours so I can catch a nap here and there, maybe someone to walk the dog, and if people feel God calling them to provide any type of financial help due to our poor vehicle situation, I wouldn't ask for it, but I would accept it. It is quite a bit of gas to drive to and from the hospital where the surgery will take place, plus the car is still broken down, and now the van is acting up again. Talk about putting some stress on the finances during an already stressful time. The little princess's birthday on Dec 21st, then Christmas of course, and then the surgery on the 29th (with multiple trips back and forth possible), plus my big ultrasound somewhere in there, which is a little over an hour drive away as well. Overall, I'm trying to stay positive, but I admit, I've been letting my emotions get the best of me.

As for Bubs. Well, I'm not sure that I updated that he did get a diagnosis of PDD-NOS on top of the ADHD. He's been attenting a special preschool and seems to be doing well. We did just meet to rewrite his IEP because it was so amazingly vague, which was my frustration from the start. Now since his teacher has been observing him in the classroom, she had a better idea of what we should include. He will be getting additional speech therapy in the classroom. He has a lot of words, which is great, but it's still REALLY hard to understand most of them. They did also make special notes on his behavior and things we need to work on in that area - especially the unexpected transitions. If he expects something to be a certain way, and it's not - it's ALL OVER. And when he goes into one of his tantrums it's like you just cannot bring him out of it. No threatening time-outs, no offering a positive reward for calming down, NOTHING. I had mentioned this a long time ago, of course, and now that they've seen it, it was like it totally clicked. I guess they had an incidence at the Library because they generally use a specific lane to check out, and since the line was longer in that lane, they used the other one. Because this wasn't his definition of "normal," he had a HUGE meltdown. They said he screamed and cried all the way back to the classroom at which point he still didn't calm down. It's just little things we don't even think of that trigger his breakdowns. It's trying to figure out what he sees in his head as being the "right" thing. Sometimes we know, sometimes we don't. Sometimes it's absolutely impossible to conform to his standards of "right." For example, it was also mentioned that he doesn't play with the other kids. It's not that he doesn't LIKE other kids, and he'll interact with them most of the time - until play time. Because at play time, he already knows what he wants to play with and HOW he wants to play with those toys. Because other children have their own free will, we can't expect them to conform to his ways. And since most don't, he doesn't want to play with them. I obviously deal with this all the time at home. He tends to get bossy with his sister, though, and she generally listens because she loves her big brother and wants to make him happy. I can see, though, how other boys his age wouldn't oblige so easily and how it could turn into a game of "he can't play with this because he doesn't do it my way." So that is now a goal they are working on. Shoot, they'd be happy to even see him do parallel play with him playing on the same toy as another kid because he won't even do that. He doesn't even like to see someone else play with a toy he stopped playing with 10 minutes ago, so basically anything he touches is off limits to everybody else until the next day. So we definitely have some things to work through! And potty training is just plain frustrating. I can tell he just plain doesn't get it. He has NO idea when he's even gone (and yes, I've tried "big boy" underwear to help him catch on, and it ended in a big mess because he didn't know he pooped and ended up getting it EVERYWHERE. UGH.). And he absolutely has no idea WHEN he has to go. I basically ask him every 2-3 hours if he needs to use the potty, and he WILL pee on the potty, but he still wets his diaper as well in between those times, and pooping is just totally unsuccessful at this point. And so, we just keep trying.

And yes, the little princess is about to turn 2! Where has the time gone!? She has graduated to the toddler bed with a rather smooth transition. She speaks in 3-4 word sentences and her articulation is even a little better than her big brother. She is so amazing smart and never ceases to do something that amazes me! It's somewhat bittersweet with certain things like the talking because I'm SO happy that she speaks so much and so well and genuinely comprehends SO much not even being 2 yet, and yet I feel somewhat discouraged that Bubs isn't any further ahead. They really seem to be at the exact same learning level right now. It's actually been wonderful for them because they talk back and forth, tell each other jokes, and play games with each other rather well because they totally "get" each other. And I honestly don't think Bubs would even talk as much as he does if the little princess didn't start talking back! She really does amaze me. We're working on potty training as well. She actually DOES know when she has to go, and she definitely knows when she's gone and asks immediately for a new diaper. But as far as actually using the potty, it seems she does best at night. She'll get out of the bath and go right to the potty and go as if she's always done it! And she is the opposite of her brother in that she generally poops in the potty and seems to be more aware of that and is just starting to become aware of peeing. It's just awesome that she's getting it, though. I do believe she'll be fully potty trained first. Overall, she's just a bundle of love. When my husband is feeling well enough to let me sleep in, she spends most of that time hanging out near my bedroom door waiting for me. She's definitely a mommy's girl. And she will randomly just come up and give me a big hug and say "love you, Mommy." It's so awesome. We definitely have that mother/daughter bond. I laugh now thinking I wasn't sure I'd ever want a girl because I wasn't sure I'd know how to bond with her since I was such a tomboy. And here she is - quite the girly girl, and we're a virtually inseperable pair! It's awesome!

And as for our little one on the way, things seem to be progressing just fine. I got a doppler online because 6 weeks in between OB visits is just too long for me especially since I have had 2 losses. I just need some reassurance! It's a great doppler, too. I started using it when I was exactly 12 weeks. Baby's heartrate is usually in the high 150's to low 170's. I'm now 15 weeks, but I look like I should be at least 20 weeks! haha I'm showing SO quickly this time! The funniest thing of all is my belly is so much bigger at this point than it was with the other 2, but I've gained the least amount of weight so far with this one. In fact, last I checked, I've only gained a pound. That's just crazy to me! I'm definitely already able to wear maternity clothes! I found a GREAT pair of jeans at Target, and I LOVE them! They have an adjustable waste like you would find on toddler pants. haha It's great, though, because I can pull them tighter now, and then loosen them up as I get bigger. I think it's great! I have my next OB visit on Monday at which point I will BEG them to schedule the u/s right before hubs has to go into surgery so he can be there for it. Especially since we have decided this will be our last child. His surgery has a chance of causing him to become infertile, and my health doesn't seem to be handling the pregnancy well, so we're just feeling like this is it. Because there won't be enough time to determine whether or not the surgery has rendered him infertile, I will probably just have them perform the tubal at the time of my c-section. I'm definitely going to tell the OB about my ER visit and see if there is anything more we can do at this time to get me back to feeling at least ok. The dizziness I had today lasted ALL day. It's partially why I can't sleep. It actually becomes more intense when I'm laying down. Not fun.

Oh, and the pup... she's been super anxious, but fine I suppose. I really hope she starts to mellow out. Even I can't put her leash on her anymore without the submissive urination. I know all the stress of the household and having 2 different guests within a week has really thrown her off, but I'm ready for her to snap out of it! I don't need a 110lb baby! haha

And though it wasn't exactly a quick update, I think I updated all pertinent information to keep the blogs going smoothly from here on out so I don't feel like there will be important details left out! Now I need to get *some* sleep so I can cook up a yummy Thanksgiving feast tomorrow! Happy Thanksgiving!

Friday, September 4, 2009


I will start posting more!

Things are rather chaotic in our house to put it mildly. The worst part is nobody seems to understand. When I send a text to somebody today explaining I couldn't talk on the phone, it was almost as if she got offended as she replied saying things aren't much better for her, either. I had no intention of making it sound like my life is terrible. It is a simple truth - I pick up the phone - Bubs goes crazy. I'm sure this isn't uncommon in many moms lives! I think the only difference in mine is his emotional state breaks down more and more as the call goes on until he is in a full-blown screaming/crying and genuinely upset mood. I don't choose not to answer calls because of myself. I choose not to answer calls for the sake of the person on the other end! If hubs is home, I generally answer my phone and go into another room knowing he can entertain the kids. It's when I'm by myself that it becomes difficult. Even the little princess has joined in the "phone please" chant. Would YOU want to talk to someone on the phone while one kid is SCREAMING and crying "phone please" and the other just keeps saying "phone please" over and over again? It makes a conversation a little difficult, you know? So if I don't answer the phone, I have YOUR best interest in mind. Just trust me on this one.

There is definitely never a dull moment in this house. In fact, things have been a little frustrating. Bubs has his official paperwork from a Developmental Pediatrician saying he has a Communication Disorder and ADHD. Plus now he has an unofficial diagnosis from the Child Psychiatrist of PDD. We were to take that diagnosis, submit it to the special program he had started the end of last year, and get more evaluation. School season is upon us, and they still haven't gotten back with us. On Tuesday I'm going to start calling every day until they start services for him again. He needs help. And when it comes to me... well, he tends to openly defy me, and I'm making very little progress as far as teaching him/parenting him goes. It's almost like he knows when I'm having my "bad days," and fully takes advantage of me on those days. I just started a new medication for my Fibro this week, and the dr warned for the first few days to a week, I could have some side-effects. Yeah, it makes me SUPER tired. So yesterday, I was kind of "out of it," so Bubs comes over and throws a handful of cereal IN MY FACE. Ugh. And the whole 1-2-3 Magic thing isn't working anymore. We had to totally strip his room of any furniture because when he's in there, he'll dismantle any and everything. We put up curtains and took off the blinds because he totally destroyed the blinds in the other house. So now he just pulls down the curtains all the time. He'll also take apart his bed if he's mad enough. So sending him to his room is more punishment for ME than him. The Child Pysch suggested we learn about ABA through the program here... but once again, we can't anything going with them right now. *Sigh*

So it's definitely been a challenging summer. I just can't fathom why they don't continue services for those children that need it through the summer. Bubs, for example, is a prime example of a child that needs consistency. He doesn't need a summer vacation! I think one of the worst experiences we had was last weekend. He woke up before us as he always does and didn't bother to wake us and went straight for the food. He does this often and will scale the pantry and grab out cookies and line them up in his desk or spill food everywhere. We need to come up with a child-proofing solution for the pantry. We had tried those little sticky child-proofers (you put one on one part, and the other on the other part and snap them together) on the toilet and fish tank like I used to use, but he is really strong, and he just pulled them right off. We eventually just started using a zip-tie on the refridgerator before we go to bed. This particular night we obviously forgot. He got out 2 cartons of eggs and brought them into the office where he proceeded to throw the eggs into the fish tank and even dropped a couple on the floor. Lovely. So hubs gets up (as he always gets up first on weekends because he is nice enough to let me sleep in), and he comes back in the room to tell me I need to get up as well. Wow, what a mess it was. I got some water in a bowl and proceeded to scoop out all the fish. One was obviously not going to make it but it seemed the others were ok. After we got it all cleaned up and the tank back in working order (and clean), we went to put some water conditioner in just to realize it was empty. So it seems he dumped the whole bottle of conditioner in there as well. There was not much more we could do. At one point, he even came up to express his remorse. "I make mess. I sorry. Sorry fish." We finally put all the fish back into the clean tank just for all of them to start dying one by one until they were all gone. I guess they just had too much junk in their system. I was mortified mostly because I didn't know how to explain it to Bubs because I knew he would ask! I didn't want to scare him because he already has nightmares and a hard time sleeping. It took about 2 days before he asked where the fish went, and I just said "they're all gone." I figured it's a simple term he understands. Then he proceeded to again tell me the story of eggs in the fish tank. So I don't know exactly what he understands about why the fish are "gone," but he did apparently associate that incident with them being "gone." What a challenging situation! I'm not even sure I handled it correctly. I'm constantly questioning everything I do as he seems to be getting worse and worse. The only thing I KNOW I'm doing right is praying. Sometimes I feel it's all I CAN do.

So between dealing with those sort of issues, a generally curious and active little girl (man, she's growing up WAY too quickly), hubby's issues with his knee, and my emotional, painful, and sleepy moods, it's a bit overwhelming. Many times I feel guilty because while Bubs is acting up and overwhelming me, the little princess is coming up giving me kisses and saying she's sorry. I feel guilty because that makes my day better, and I'm always feeling like Bubs is making it worse. It feels terrible to even write it out, but it is the simple, raw truth. I love him like a mother should love her son by all means! But there are just those times where I just want a break! I'm sure this is very common for parents with a high-needs child. That is part of why I created this blog... to type out the raw truth. There may be a mom out there that feels the same way and feels like she can't talk to anyone about it, and just knowing someone else feels the same way can really help. I know it does for me. I know regardless of how I'm feeling, everything will be fine. I AM the right mother for Bubs, otherwise God wouldn't have chosen me to be his mom. And actually, the entire family dynamics were chosen and created because that is how it is meant to be. Perhaps that is why the little princess is so sweet and sympathetic... to keep me from losing it! haha Despite it all, I wouldn't change a thing. Days may be challenging or super sweet, but they're our days, and I love spending them with my little family. The kids constantly help me grow and change and learn to love in ways I never imagined possible. I feel I have the greatest blessing of all!

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Thursday, June 25, 2009


Wow, what a week this has been! hubby's appointment on Tuesday was totally uneventful! He was supposed to start the Med Board process to either reclass him or Med Board him out of the Army, and instead, somebody messed up and scheduled him for a diagnostic appointment. Obviously they already know what's wrong or they wouldn't have him doing Physical Therapy and all that stuff. So now his appointment isn't until July 31st! Wow. This is the same hospital that was supposed to schedule me with a Rheumatologist knowledgable about Fibromyalgia, and scheduled me with a Rheumatologist in-training instead. Refer to that blog to see how that went! *Sigh* This alone pushed hubs to almost WANT to be Med Boarded out because he's just so unhappy with the lack of care that exists here. We're still praying for what is BEST for us, though, and God's Will.

Then yesterday Bubs had his appointment with the Developmental Pediatrician. I was unable to go because we didn't have a sitter for the little princess so early in the morning. We had already discussed this, but due to the nature of (once again) the doctors not really listening or caring about what hubs had to say, he was really frustrated and told me the rest of the day he wished I had gone. Apparently the doctor asked about medical history, of course, and Joey explained his reading disorder, and the doctor insisted it was dyslexia. He NEVER had dyslexia, he had a word association disorder. It may seem similar, but it's different. But this doctor INSISTED he knows that's what it was. He also told him that toys wouldn't help Bubs calm down because apparently he was in one of his screaming, kicking, biting modes when they got there. Hubs simply replied with "wow, so you already know my son then I guess." He said he knew at that point that this doctor already had an idea in his mind and nothing he said would change it anyway.

So needless to say, I'm a little leary about anything this doctor said anyway. He diagnosed Bubs with a communication disorder and ADHD. Now, we have suspected he has some form of ADHD, but ADHD is very commonly connected to other problems, and generally if you treat those problems, the ADHD is controlled as well. But if you ONLY treat the ADHD, you're not addressing the overall issue. He did suggest we pursue further evaluation from the Child Psychiatrist to check on Childhood Onset Bipolar Disorder or possibly another mood disorder. He said Bubs is too young to diagnose anything like that, but I've heard that's generally how the process starts when a child DOES have it - they are originally diagnosed with ADHD and eventually it is found they have Bipolar Disorder as well. So I don't even know what to think. It's not like I WANT him to have something so serious! But ADHD alone is serious as well! *Sigh*

In the meantime, he wants us to think about putting Bubs on medication. Apparently, it's just slight medication to help "mellow him out," but there is no specific benefit for HIM. It would mostly benefit US as we wouldn't have to try to work around his outbursts as often. I know I have my own problems with the Fibromyalgia, but I don't want to put my 3-year old on medication just for MY benefit. I want to help HIM. The whole reason we're pursuing further evaluation is for HIS benefit. He has an appointment at Pediatrics later in July (yes a regular pediatric appointment even had to be scheduled more than 30 days out - it's terrible!), so we'll talk more about it then. We'll then at least have the Ped fill out more current EFMP paperwork for him including the ADHD diagnosis since his last batch of paperwork was considered "incomplete."

Besides, that diagnosis, they did check the PDD spectrum and decided Brayden wasn't on it, so that is good news. They did confirm he has a slight speech delay, which we obviously already know. Physically he was noted as being healthy. They said his back is straight as well, which was another concern because at one point he was being monitored for a curve in his spine. Praise the Lord that is gone! It did say his muscle tone was "slightly decreased," but that's all it mentions about that. I'm just hoping the regular pediatrician can at least decode some of this for us! Otherwise, I'll check out these websites on the handout they printed out for us.

All this being said, I know how serious ADHD can be. I've alway hated how people just throw out the term loosely like "oh, I have ADD (or ADHD)" Even before Bubs's diagnosis I didn't like this. I want to just yell at them, which is obviously out of character for me. But it's NOT funny! It's a serious disorder and people growing up with it know how hard it can be! It's harder for them to learn and maintain good social relationships. I know it can be managed, and like I said, I want to do everything possible to make sure Bubs has the best chance he can get. But I really do wish people would just stop making those statements! They DON'T have it, and they should be grateful that they don't! Shame on them for making light of a serious disorder!

As for now, we're just praying for God's guidance. I'm leaning more toward walking it out without medical intervention for now, but I will still be in prayer for God's Will. And we will be pursuing further evaluation from the child psychiatrist and go from there. In the meantime just praying for Brayden and working with him like we have been because that's the best we can do. I know God will take care of him - and us. We don't always know why these things come about, but there is always a reason and purpose. We may not know for a while what that is, but even in those moments that I doubt myself as being the "right" mom for Bubs, I KNOW God intended it this way, and I am not only the "right" mom for him, I'm the best mom for him.

Monday, June 22, 2009


Wow. Most of the time I do not understand where the time goes. All I know is I keep planning on getting this, and this, and this done, and then a week goes by and I never get it done! I try to decide how I spend most of my time, and I do get on the computer a lot, but that is because the computer is something I can go to and leave at will where as certain things are not so easy like that. Because the obvious truth is most of my time is spent tending to the kids, pup, and cat. My morning routine takes over an hour, and that doesn't even include getting dressed! That hour is spent changing diapers, getting the kids breakfast, letting the dog out, getting the dog food and water, getting the cat food and water, changing the litter box, feeding the fish, and then getting my breakfast! It doesn't seem like a long routine, but before I know it that hour has passed! And that's on a good day! On days like today where I'm super sore and not moving very well, it takes much longer! So now I'm sitting here still in PJ's looking at the list of people in my classes at work that I need to e-mail, reviewing my product order for Celebrating Home so I will have the new Fall supplies in time to have a party in July, and now thinking about what day in July will be best since we'll be moving the weekend of the 11th, and I'd need to be somewhat unpacked and decorated (at least with my Celebrating Home products anyway) before having people over. Wow. And to think I still want to start my Pea of Sweetness business is a bit overwhelming! The good news is I will be taking on a lot less of the dog training work next month as a new Full-time trainer is coming in. Phew! I seriously wonder how people do it! I try not to be so hard on myself considering right now I'm having more bad days than good as far as the pain and exhaustion from the Fibromyalgia goes. I believe at some point in time I'll "get it all together."

I think the move will help because we just had so many issues with getting settled in this house because there were so many problems, and then you throw in the stairs and the fact that I can't constantly go up and down the stairs, and things get put on the backburner. I honestly don't feel like I have an excuse for never getting fully unpacked, but it is what it is, and now it's time to start packing up again. I'm SO excited about the house we'll be moving into, and I can't wait! It will be SO much better for our family! So I think that alone will help me get motivated to get things unpacked! I still don't really have many friends here to come help me unpack and such, but at least we have a handful of guys from hubby's platoon coming to help us move our stuff!! Who knows... maybe even a few of them will help unpack if they're bored enough! haha

So I do think I'm going to start being harder on myself without being unrealistic. I still don't know my limitations fully. I do know walking in DC for a few hours was beyond my limitations! :/ But as far as getting up and going and getting things done in the house, I still don't know what is ok, and what is too much. I try to err on the side of "ok" because even one day of "too much" can make me have 2 or 3 bad days where I can't do anything! But I've been working out more regularly with the Wii Active, and the Low Intensity workouts on there seem to be perfect! I'm a little sore the next day, but that's more from the working out than the Fibromyalgia. So it's definitely a good way to get me moving again... and back in shape for that matter!

Overall, there's so much going on! As I mentioned, we move into the one-story house in 3 weeks, huba goes to the Orthopedic specialist tomorrow, and Bubs goes to the Developmental Pediatrics Wed. For hubby, he'll find out exactly how bad his knee is, at which point they'll have to re-class him because Infantry men can't have bad knees, or possibly Med Board him. We'll just have to wait and see what happens. He's currently already been put in the office, so they may just keep him there until the end of his term. So who knows? As for Bubs, we'll just be getting more insight on what's going on with him. After this evaluation, the child physchiatrist wants to see him as well. The process is slow-going, but at least we're getting somewhere!

Otherwise, there is all the silly paperwork stuff that still looms in the background! We've been here 8 months and just can't seem to get it all done! My EFMP paperwork should finally be ready to pick up, and I believe they've already put in another referral to a different rheumatologist, but I'd have to call to find out, and the kids turn into pure craziness when I try to get on the phone! We still don't have Bubs's medical records, either, which is beyond frustrating! Plus we have to re-do his EFMP because the dr he saw was well... uninformed I guess. So I have to go pick that up some time as well. I think most people would be able to get this done easily! Especially if the soldier lives on the post where he works! Man, hubs could easily get this stuff done during lunch, but since he works at a post 30+ minutes from here, it's basically impossible. I surely don't have the physical (or emotional for that matter) capability of doing all of this with the kids in tow. Whenever somebody asks us if we like this area, we simply reply with "it's unique." When what I'd really like to say is "no, I hate it. It would be great for single people, but not at all if you have a family... especially since there is no family housing where hubs works, so we HAVE to live 30+ min away. Even if it is on a military installation, it's still not convenient!" I could see how people would enjoy living on the post where their spouse works, but we don't even have that option. I think maybe living in a neighborhood that is not its own little neighborhood not even connected to post will be better, and I'm really looking forward to it, but it would still be easier to get things done if Joey actually worked here. But hey, as far as some people are concerned, I should just "deal with it" despite having this pain and exhaustion and just get it all done myself with the kids in tow. Besides, military wives do it all the time, right? *Sigh*

And yes, we have decided we do still want to have another baby. After having a few weeks to think about things and throw around so many emotions, it totally hit me yesterday that I can't imagine NOT having another baby. I can't imagine not being pregnant again and just experiencing pregnancy again. My heart aches for others that have lost babies and those that have not been able to conceive yet because I know this must be what they're feeling as well! Though I've had some insensitive people say "well, at least you have one of each, so you don't have to have another one." I'm sure they mean well, but that really doesn't help. In fact, I feel it takes from the baby we lost recently and even our other angel baby as well. They are special to us and we love them very much despite having our two children! Of course we have to focus on Bubs and the little Princess, but it doesn't mean we don't have the capacity to miss and love our angel babies! I know some people just don't know what to say, and that's ok, but please don't make light of the situation. Just because we already have two children doesn't mean we feel our family is "complete." I believe God gives everyone different desires as far as family size, and our desire is to have more than 2 children. I guess people can argue with me if they'd like, but I continue to pray and I know God's Will will be done whether that is for us to have another child or maybe not. Either way, we're not running out to buy ovulation tests or anything like that! We're just going to let it happen when and if it may. In the meantime, I am working out more regularly and just making sure I take care of myself in general! And the little Princess finally stopped nursing!! So there one less stress off my body!!

And that's all I have for now because I have to get these e-mails sent out and get the kids their lunch. We haven't been able to do much because it seems Caprice has severe separation anxiety, and it's gotten ugly. I try not to be too hard on myself since it is just that - anxiety - and not a obedience training issue. Her training is spotless unless she gets anxious. She even randomly gets nervous about hubs and will not go near him! He's never done anything to her, but she was just that traumatized before we got her at 12 weeks! It's so sad! So, we're doing what we can to work with it and just praying it gets better so we can have some more freedom again! Yep, off to e-mail!

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Wow... so much going on

There has been SO much going on lately. We lost the baby on June 2nd, and that has just been devastating. To take on all the other stuff that's been going on as well has just been physically and mentally exhausting. I will post more when I can.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Sooo tired

Wow, so I don't know if it's the combination of the pregnancy and Fibro or just the pregnancy itself, but I'm EXHAUSTED. Sleepiness is kicking my butt! I don't even know how I'm functioning right now! haha I'm going to try to get stuff clean while I still have some energy, though! So I must return to blog later!

Friday, May 22, 2009

Never a dull moment

Wow, so yesterday was just absolutely crazy! I was anticipating my appointment with the rheumatologist so I could get started on treatment for my fibromyalgia and update my EFMP paperwork and *finally* get my part of the letter to request the one-story housing on post. I was going to leave as soon as Bubs's teacher got here, though I was dreading the drive to the particular hospital for my appointment because I despise driving downtown. Plus I've been a little light-headed from not having been able to take my Zoloft. Hubby went to pick it up at the pharmacy, and they were out! I finally got some more today!

Well, luckily, I ended up not having to drive to the hospital because Bubs's teacher was sick, so she didn't come over yesterday, so we all went downtown. That means hubby drove. :) Getting out of the house tends to be a bit hectic as it is, but for whatever reason it seemed even more so yesterday morning. We stopped at Burger King to get a bite to eat, and they messed up our order so bad we just said forget it and left, so I didn't eat until after my appointment! I was starving!! I managed to only be like 5 min late, though, and that's like a record for me for any appt at that hospital. We already learned to just have hubs drop me off at the door instead of trying to find parking. That is a nightmare!!

So hubby decides to just drive around post with the kids while I have my appt. I wasn't in the waiting room very long, so overall things were going well. I honestly wasn't sure how they were going to approach things since I had just found out I was expecting because that would obviously limit any medications they may prescribe, but my PCM told me the rheumatologists at this hospital are better despite the drive downtown, so I trust him. But wow, was I ever disappointed!! Maybe some of them are good, but the particular gentleman I saw was basically insesitive to Fibromyalgia, fairly ignorant about the condition, clueless about EFMP or applying for one-story housing (all I needed was the paperwork filled out a letter saying it's hard for me to go up and down the stairs all the time!), and here's the kicker - not even a rheumatologist yet!! So he takes all his findings to his superviser and says yes, you have Fibro. I already know I have it because my PCM already diagnosed it! Well, he said his job was to confirm the diagnosis, and now I should do everything else with my PCM. How frustrating! I drove all that way for him to tell me what I already knew!? And he wouldn't even fill out the stinkin EFMP paperwork! When I asked him about the letter, he said he'd leave that up to my PCM as well because he doesn't think having Fibro should qualify anybody for one-level housing since it doesn't actually do damage to their joints. Ok... but there are still days I can barely walk, and that's ok!? I have done my research on Fibro, and from what I understand some people that are no longer able to work full-time are considered to have a disability! So how is that not important!? He basically feels it's just a "collection of symptoms" a handful of people have, but that it's not very "real." Then he proceeds to tell me I'm going to have pain for the rest of my life. Ok, so why am I going to have pain for the rest of my life if I have a condition that isn't "real?" I seriously just wanted to cry because of my frustration.

Obviously, I was prescribed no medication due to the pregnancy, which is another thing he knew nothing about. This was obviously a young, single guy with no kids. I should have guessed this would be interesting when I saw the bottle of liquor in his office! So his recommendation? Go back to my PCM and let him take care of everything. Exercise almost every day... even though I explained I can't afford childcare to go to the gym. He said I should just take a walk and put the kids in the stroller... which is fine when the kids WANT to be in the stroller, which is rare. Aurora particularly hates it. But there was no sense in explaining that anymore. I even tried to explain my situation of having one child that has special needs and constantly having to deal with his behavior (and the stairs for his time-outs), and that was pointless, too. So, I still don't have a letter for housing as to why we need one-level housing on my end. *Sigh*

That being said, I DID turn in paperwork from Bubs's counselor saying why she recommends one-level housing for our family due to his nature to not always comprehend "reality" and the dangers he poses to himself and the little Princess (and me, even) when he has one of his aggressive tantrums. So we decided to check on it to see where it is in the process. We called up to our neighborhood office because apparently they are the ones that deal w/it first. Well, the lady said the manager was out of the office and would be back later. We call again shortly before closing time because we want to get this done. We're then told she is out of town for a couple of weeks! (Yeah, well, we just saw her posting a sign in the neighborhood this morning, so whatever.) So, we go straight to the main housing office where it is discovered that our paperwork has been lost. No surprise. That's why I made a copy! So now we're handling it directly with them. They've processed it mostly at this point and are just waiting on updated DEERS info from us, so I'll make sure we have that by Tues! I'm even going to see if they're open tomorrow! The pregnancy poses an interesting situation because we *can* qualify for a 4 bedroom, but we could also accept a 3 bedroom if that comes available first. Since the kids will all be close in age, I don't see a big deal with room sharing anyway! So we'll just see how it all goes. I'm just putting it in God's hands! I don't even have medical proof of the pregnancy yet because my first appt isn't until June 4th, but hopefully if it's necessary, we can at least run in there to get the bloodwork and print-out done for that.

So yeah, exhausting, frustrating day yesterday. I do feel like I'm in a world that people don't understand. I'm sure you can guess we're getting raised eyebrows about having another child. Honestly, are people expected to just stop having children because one of their children has special needs or because they have a medical condition that *can* be managed with the right help? I'm already limited by my heart history! I'm not supposed to have children after I turn 30. That's only a couple more years, so more than likely this baby will be our last! So I'm already limited! Yeah, I know some people think 2 is enough, so surely 3 is enough, but admittedly, I'd like 4. Maybe we will adopt a 4th in the future. I don't know. I enjoy so much the blessing and miracle of conception through birth, and I admit I do somewhat feel robbed. I'm already robbed by the c-section thing! But it doesn't make it any less amazing! And having high-demand children may be trying but doesn't make you love them any less. I'm EXTREMELY happy that we'll be having another blessing, and I'm just praying for a healthy pregnancy!

And now, I must tend to the kiddos and get dinner ready! I'm pretty hungry, too! hehe Still not sure what we'll eat, though...

Monday, May 11, 2009

Now I remember...

I now remember why I don't blog much. I don't have much time! Taking care of 2 active kids during the day plus an 8 month old pup and a cat is just SO time-consuming! Add onto that a part-time job where they expect you to teach enough classes to be a full-time trainer, and it's just about enough to drive one insane! Especially one like me! LOL

On a fun note, my BFF (and the kids' Godmother) is coming to visit me this week!! I can't believe I just used the term "BFF." LOL I feel like I'm in high school again or something! Seriously, though, on Friday night I'm all glammed up for the Old Guard ball and somebody asked to verify that I was over 18!!! For one, I'm his WIFE, and most people get married after they turn 18. I know there are exceptions, but seriously! Yeah, add 10 years to that! LOL For two, I'm even older than hubby! I admit it sometimes is flattering when people say I look like I'm in my early 20's, but under 18!? That's just frustrating!

I plan on typing more about going to the ball whenever I have more free time, but for now, I would really like to play some WoW. I don't get to play enough, and I really want to get Xandrei to level 80!!! I'm at 78 1/2! haha So, I'm off to do that now!

Wednesday, May 6, 2009


I'm finally going to take the time to post a little something. Not much, though. I'm SOOOO busy! Basically, my house is crap in SO many ways. It's just a bad place in general, so I admit I actually lack motivation to keep it nice because no matter how hard I try it looks gross. I mean seriously, we have squirrels in the attic and a big hole in the wall because they had patched up a previous hole with CARDBOARD! What did they expect? All it took was our big pup and her lack of coordination to slide into the wall (because we have ALL linoleum floors - yes, the ENTIRE house), and boom, the hole instantly reopens. My biggest concern was that Caprice (the pup) would then chew and make the hole bigger, but actually the kids play in it!! It's awful! Last time maintenance was here they said they'd fix it, but that never happened. This is the worst place ever. But, it's what we have right now, so I better just suck it up and deal with it. We've looked at some rentals, but we can't afford a place in this area on a PFC's salary! I mean seriously, a 1 bedroom place can be almost $1800, and we need at least a 3 bedroom!

Everybody thinks we're absolutely nuts, but we do want to have another baby. I believe in God's timing, and we aren't actively tracking my ovulation or anything, but we're just believing it will happen when God plans for it to happen, and He will take care of us. He always has! We surely never expected to be able to "afford" Brayden, but we've survived... and so has he! haha :)

We're currently trying to get into ADA housing for my Fibromyalgia and because of Bubs's aggressive tendencies. It's hard enough for me to go up and down the stairs when I'm having a bad day, but it worries me even more what Bubs might do with the stairs when he is having a "bad" day. When he's in "the zone" as I call it because he seriously slips off into his own little world when he has one of his episodes, he will knock down anybody or anything near him with extreme force and not even notice it! I honestly don't even think he notices he did it! The little Princess will be by him crying, and I go to pick her up, and I try to address the situation with him and it's like it doesn't even register. Then I work on getting him to cool off until he's out of "the zone," putting my own physical well-being in harm. I'm extremely sensitive to pain. Something as simple as someone leaning their arm on me can hurt tremendously, so when you have a 3 year old in a pure rage hitting, kicking, biting, head butting, etc., it can be more than a little overwhelming. I've even tried counting, which only sent him further into his rage. So I'm going to try this "1-2-3 Magic" method the child counselor recommended and time him out to his room (after he fights me to get there I'm sure) and see how it goes.

Most people want to blame it (as well as his speech delay) on parenting. That used to bother me, but you know, they can believe what they want because I know the truth. I feel better knowing the little Princess is already putting together 2 word sentences. She does act out a bit, but I believe it's a learned behavior because she sees her big brother doing it all the time! I'm a little skeptical at trying another new parenting method, but I always am. I mean, I've tried EVERYTHING! It's becoming obvious there is something going on. I have also been advised to read "Is my Child Bipolar?" It honestly never crossed my mind. I mean seriously, who would even think of a 3 year old being bipolar!? Little did I know for one, it's extremely genetic, and for two, more than one male in hubby's immediate family has it. *Sigh* So I researched, and I was in tears! Some of it was relief that maybe this wasn't all in my head and that maybe his behavior really IS beyond my control. Some of it was sheer grief because well, it's not exactly a good thing to have! I know intervention can make a huge difference, so we're working with what we have. We have an appt to get an IEP going with the county, but they're basically only looking at his speech. They never saw a behavior issue, which if it really is COBPD (Childhood Onset Bipolar Disorder), that would make total sense! Now it is seriously all clicking! He doesn't ALWAYS have bad moments. He has perfectly good moments where he is the nicest, politest little boy! I LOVE the good moments! His good moments are REALLY good, and his bad moments are REALLY bad.

As of now, though, housing doesn't really care to work with us. They're more than willing to throw is in an ADA house (one-story living) in another older village. We're in the worst neighborhood right now. We live on-post, but not really. It's hard to explain, but basically we have our own gate, and to even go anywhere "on-post," we have to leave our neighborhood, drive 5 min, and go in another gate. It's rediculous. So, I guess it can't be worse than this, but I'd really like a fenced in yard so Bubs and the little Princess can get out their energy outside when it's nice out, and I don't have to chase them all over and exhaust (and hurt) myself. Plus the more stressed I get, the worse the pain gets. And chasing the kids is really stressful for me. I honestly just hate that people don't understand! They just act like I'm being rediculous or whatever. I've seriously had people lecture me over not wanting to go hang out with them at the park and *relax* and watch the kids. If it's not fenced, there is NO relaxing. My kids will run. Period. They LOVE to run! I've tried to take them outside just in the common areas of the yard and got exhausted after 10 min because the little Princess kept going straight for the road... then Bubs would follow. Caprice was the only one that stayed beside me even without her leash! At least I have one of them trained! LOL

But that is a typical day for me. Dealing with the ups and downs. Trying to get out of the house while staying sane. It's almost impossible because staying in the house drives us all a little crazy, too! Then working part-time around hubby's schedule. I feel like I never get a break! I need to go shopping tonight, though, because the Old Guard Ball is on Friday, and I still need shoes! Plus I still haven't been able to find the perfect gift for my Secret Sister on CMW! I have some of it, but I'm missing that perfect piece! So I'm hoping for a good shopping trip (without the kids) tonight, since it's my night off. I also still need to plan a time to go get my nails and hair done on Friday as well. I have 2 appts that day - one with the child counselor and one with a psychiatrist for me. Apparently the "blah" moods go along with the Fibro, but the psych can still help with any meds they may think I need as far as that goes. I'm still on Zoloft from when I had the little Princess, and that still seems to be ok.

So... another fun-filled, busy week! And the kids decided to tag-team me today and stagger their naps! I just heard the little Princess get up, so I'm going to put Bubs down for his nap! I'm hoping since at least it's only one at a time I can still get a decent amount of cleaning done. I'd be so embarrassed if the place still looks awful for the sitter on Friday night! I'm sure he won't care, but I do!! I'm silly like that I guess! This house just bums me out anyway. *Sigh* So we're praying, praying, praying that the ADA housing will work out for us and we'll get a decent one-story house on post! Off to clean!