I love my baby boy

So I'm laying here at 2am just loving the fact that even though I'm having a hard time sleeping (as always), I have my little moose-lion next to me and a phone I can blog on! Haha

Seriously, babies are so amazing! Even after three, I'm still in awe every day! And that statement can definitely be applied to the older two as well! But as I lay here feeling his little breath on my chest and his little feet fluttering sporadically I'm just thinking about all the things babies accomplish in 4 months!

The moose-lion officially turned 4 months on the 26th. (And I turned 29 on the 24th! Where did time go?) He went from not even having his suck reflex at birth and transitional breathing issues to being able to nurse while he sleeps to cooing with the sweetest deep voice I've ever heard a baby have! (Yes, I realize I'm biased on the "sweetest" part, but I have truly never heard a baby with a voice as deep as his! It's so cute!) But that is what amazes me about babies! Their ability to learn and grow so much so quickly... And yet still remain so dependent. Parenting is such a unique blessing in that way! We must provide their needs while encouraging them to grow and develop! Babies are born with survival instincts, but human babies really need that social interaction to truly survive - and thrive! I'm just so enamored by my sweet baby!

And the other thing I consider such a blessing is I've felt this way THREE times! God is SO good! When we had our first I was amazed by how quickly that motherly love takes place! It's immediate and amazingly beautiful! I truly couldn't imagine feeling that intensity again! I mean, could I truly have more love to give? Then the princess was born, and I experienced it all over again and instantly knew she wasn't just "another baby," but another incredibly unique little human being! (And those two really are total opposites!) So a lot of people said we should stop since we have one of each with two unique personalities, but we just didn't feel like our family was complete yet! I admit after having our second miscarriage and getting Bubs's diagnosis of PDD-NOS even I considered not trying to conceive anymore. We couldn't ignore that "feeling," though, and sure enough when we were "taking a break" from TTC around this time last year the moose-lion's plans were already coming to fruition by God's Will.

When we found out this past November that my husband had testicular cancer I was 20 weeks pregnant. We didn't fully understand how amazing God's timing was until the Dr.'s explained that most men become infertile PRIOR to their diagnosis! How humbling is that!?

And so here he is! Another unique little human being. So dependent on his little instincts to nurse in the middle of the night, cry and fuss if he needs something, and yet growing so quickly - I get smiles every morning, little giggles when I tickle his belly, "conversations," and he already has a love and appreciation for his big brother and sister! Watching him, our last little baby, grow is somewhat bittersweet. But right now I'm just going to revel in this moment after he falls asleep right after nursing and I feel his little breath on me and cuddle him close.

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How far?

How far can you stretch $20 in 11 days? Um, well, I'll let you know in 11 days. I'm guessing it will be gone in 2 days for gas considering my husband's drive to work and our multiple Dr appointments at multiple locations. *sigh* Maybe my Celebrating Home party will be better than I think (not looking so good right now) or maybe I'll sell some of the stuff I posted on Craigslist (no responses yet.). The anxiety is building! I just have to remind myself that God will provide. And prayers surely wouldn't hurt!

And what's with always hitting a financial wall right around my birthday? I don't want expensive gifts or anything but going out to dinner or something would've been nice! I'm sure my wonderful husband and kids will cook up something very special that won't cost a thing! :)

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Blogging from my phone

So I downloaded an app on my HTC Hero called Blogger-droid. I decided I'd try it out right quick. So this is it! I really need to get some sleep, though. I've been having horrible pain from my wisdom tooth scratching my cheek. The whole left side of my face and neck swelled up! It's feeling a little better now - probably in part to some Tylenol! I'm definitely going to try to get some good sleep tonight! Hopefully the baby moose-lion will have the same agenda tonight. He's been restless all day! I do treasure some of our middle of the night bonding moments, but nights like tonight I'd really enjoy some sleep!

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Yum!

I love Chinese food, and we found a new place that makes great food and delivers in a very timely manner! This could be good or bad...

I help you, you help me... or not

So I just took the plunge in trying to help our family out financially again by trying to have a successful internet catalog party for my home decoration direct sales business in attempts to open my account again so I can have some sort of income. I do a pet direct sales business as well, but my first attempt at a party for that one resulted in ONE order and NOBODY at the physical party. Talk about discouraging! So as I get IMMEDIATE declines (probably before they even read what the invitation actually was) I realized how many times I get invites for other people's direct sales businesses, friends that are having babies and need baby stuff, and friends trying to help out their other friends. I'm not much to talk about finances because it's really nobody's business, but let's just say ours aren't the best and we have some expensive things coming up. (Boo NEEDED dental work). I already know exactly what I'll be spending my birthday money on, and my husband hates it. He always says my birthday money should be spent on things I WANT, but I'm finding this year I have to spend it on things WE NEED. But it is what it is. Why do I always try to buy at least a little something at everybody else's direct sales parties, baby showers, or whatever else it may be because I want to help them out? I guess I shouldn't be upset by that. I know it's a blessing that I'm always wanting to help others! And I'm feeling kind of selfish to admit I wish others would realize we need help, too! I don't post this stuff often. And it's not like I'm asking for a handout. I'm asking that somebody look at what I have to offer and see if there is anything they LIKE. They get a nice product (that I gladly refund if necessary)! Ultimately, I think the reason it bothers me so much is because I feel like I did in high school - unimportant, unpopular, forgotten, etc. I mean why will the quickly advertise one of their other friend's events like this but ignore mine? Is it that they don't care or is it that they don't know how badly we need this?? I KNOW not everybody has the money to even buy little things (believe me, I KNOW this), but I would think they'd suggest it to friends they know that would like it!

I have to remind myself that God thinks I'm special and that is ultimately all that matters. Besides, even when things are as crazy as they have been for us over the past year and a half, I have a wonderful husband who loves me unconditionally as well as 3 amazing and unique children. So I suppose the doctors aren't TOTALLY off to say I have a bit of the "blues" going on. I'll confirm that. Ultimately, though, I know I can always count on God and my family to be there for me, and that is enough! :) And I'm tired, so I'm done!

I finally went!

I finally made it to my Doctor appointment today. I almost didn't go again because I hardly had enough energy to leave the house. I'm beginning to see why Fibromyalgia in itself is sometimes disabling. I feel like I can't live normally sometimes. I also learned why people with FMS can easily become discouraged today as well. I go in to explain my NEW symptoms. I mentioned them in my last blog - hand tremors, numbness and tingling in my hands and feet, difficulty concentrating and generally thinking more slowly in general, etc. Well, I was right about what would happen. Now I'm frustrated I even bothered to go. They just looked at the fact that I have a lot of stuff going on right now that is emotional and stressful plus the fact that I have Fibromyalgia and said it's basically nothing. I'd even venture to say they wanted to say "it's all in your head." But to humor me they did some blood work to check for the basics like electrolytes, anemia, B12 deficiency, and even my thyroid again. I blatantly said I thought perhaps they should refer me to a neurologist. After the doctor discusses this with his boss he comes back in asking me if I wanted to hurt myself or my kids! What!? Did they seriously just pull the post-partum depression card after we already discussed all of this!? Yes, I have had PPD. Yes, I even had a touch of it this time around, but even at my worst I have NEVER had those thoughts! Nor did I even mention such a thing, and it was totally irrelevant to the reason I was there!

So the conclusion? Basically it's this - I already have a medical condition (Fibromyalgia) that can't truly be defined but can be directly affected by stress and emotions, I just had a baby, my husband is having medical issues, we just lost a loved one, etc. - therefore my new symptoms must be a direct result of stress and emotions. Really?? I'm not saying it's impossible because stress can do a lot of things, but how many times are they going to pull that card? To make things even worse they said I should definitely be following a Doctor regularly regarding these symptoms as well as my FMS - a psychiatrist. I was speechless. Since when does a psychiatrist handle PHYSICAL symptoms? Why don't they just come out and say that it's "all in my head." I'm so frustrated. My husband is so frustrated as well. I mean he sees what I go through, and he knows what my bad days are like. Why do I feel like he's the only one that can understand?

And to top it off, the doctor says "it's not that I don't believe you..." My response? "Yeah, I'm getting used to that."