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Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Oh ye of little faith!

I just had a good listen of a wonderful "virtual" friend of ours, and I am rebuking my lack of faith from my previous blog post about healing! How did I let it wear me down to where I can say there is EVER a purpose for sickness? In the New Testament they healed ALL who came - so why not us? There is NO reason why not! BY HIS STRIPES WE ARE HEALED! I know this scripture, I believe in healing, but why not for us?? I have been healed before, so why not a healing for EVERYTHING? I was told I had Endometriosis (and it runs in my family) and would have difficulty conceiving. At the time I was unsure whether or not I wanted children, but I KNEW I didn't want the pain it was causing me, so I went to the altar for healing, and I felt it leave me!! I didn't have that pain anymore, and when I did meet my husband we had no trouble conceiving! Praise the Lord!!

Perhaps our lack of faith can be attributed to reason. Well, God may want to do this or that through my sickness. NOWHERE in the Bible does it say God has used sickness for a purpose, and He is the same yesterday, today, and forever! People say they are inspired by how positive we can be through all of this. But how positive are we really? I will tell you, I am going to lay hands on my husband and rebuke that cancer! I believe he is healed! I think we worry so much that we WON'T be healed that we're afraid to speak healing over others for fear that if they're not healed it will "look bad" or take away from ours or their faith. Shame on that thinking! God didn't choose this for us! And how much more of an inspiration can we be when we accept our healing and be a living testimony of God's healing! How many more people can we inspire and show God's way when we are alive and well rather than unwell - or worse - deceased. So please, should I show my weakness again - rebuke me and remind me that we are healed and there is NO reason to doubt! And now I must get back to my homework.

Friday, September 24, 2010

What a night!

I shared this with my friend, so I thought I'd copy and paste it to my blog as well since I haven't shared a blog in a while! This was my night:

My husband found out around dinner time that he'd have to start a CQ shift at 7am. I already have two different things on my calendar for tomorrow including one volunteer shift at a local church's consignment sale. So, I had to take him up to work after just getting home right before the kids' bed time, so that way I didn't have to wake everyone up before 6am to get there. I'm sick and now having dizzy spells on top of my cold, so we stop to get me something to drink on the way up there. As we're driving up there he's telling me what he was reading about chemotherapy treatment, and it made me so nervous I felt nauseous so couldn't drink it anyway. Plus just the stress of driving in this area is ridiculous! We seriously had two "close calls" just driving up there! So yeah, I was totally freaking out.

Then I just started thinking about everything and how I need extra rest since I'm sick but won't have any overnight help with the moose-lion and then started thinking about the chemo thing again, and I just lost it. I mean it was a long time coming, but tonight was the last straw. This whole thing with his work is all because of one new guy that is apparently on some kind of power trip. Luckily the older two fell asleep, but the moose-lion cried the ENTIRE way home - as did I. Then when we get home I have to get everybody out of the car, so the older two kids start crying since they were asleep. And since they had fallen asleep before my husband got out of the car they were confused where he was which got them even more upset. So as I'm unbuckling them and getting screaming moose-lion (and the dogs) out of the van, I spill my still almost full drink right into my purse RIGHT ON MY PHONE. Of course it was RIGHT on the battery connector, so it died immediately. I tried to clean it all up and air it out, but yeah, I can't do anything with it. The touch screen is shot! And so now kids are all asleep, and I'm just going to rest. *Sigh*

On a silly note, I had my appointment with the psychiatrist last week, and she said I'm not crazy and these neurological symptoms seem to have nothing to do with my stress. I mean I surely feel slightly crazy tonight after all this, but she made a good point - who WOULDN'T feel slightly stressed with everything we have going on? Ok, she did diagnose me with a mild case of OCD, but I honestly saw that one coming. I think I was ignoring it for a long time until it started giving me anxiety recently. She said I could increase my Zoloft, but I said no. I'd rather have a few OCD tendencies and a little anxiety than to potentially affect my baby by increasing it anymore. She did say she would *prefer* I wean him at 6 months so she could put me on a different medication (in place of the Zoloft) that seems to be more effective for Fibromyalgia. Once again, though, I'm choosing not to. If you checked out my workout blog you'll see I'm choosing to a more natural fight against the Fibro by working out and changing what I eat, and I've had small flare-ups (mostly from having this cold), but overall I've been feeling pretty good!! Besides, if it is not keeping me from being able to take care of my family then I don't see the point of taking a medication that would require me to wean my baby early. They insist 6 months isn't "early," but to ME it is!

So, I did get my referral to the neurologist so I can finally see if there might be something more going on. The psychiatrist was very surprised that they recommended I see her first. She said their job as physicians is to rule out ANY medical conditions BEFORE sending someone to behavioral health. After I thought about it that really does make sense. What if they are dismissing something that is really serious?? They could be putting someone's life at risk! I'm grateful that does not seem to be the case with me, but still! She said she was very surprised at how I seem to be handling the trials in our life at the moment. I told her it is simply because God gives us the strength to handle them and I know no-matter what comes our way He is still in control. Don't get me wrong - I stress out - as I mentioned earlier about my breakdown tonight, but I am human after-all. Silly human nature! And tonight I'm even struggling with the "why us? and why ALL of this?" thing tonight, but I know God has a reason for everything, and He loves us! And how blessed are we for that!! After saying those things to her she was like "um, I honestly don't even think we need to have regular visits." So, I guess it makes me feel good to confirm I have it somewhat together!

But if I do not get some sleep I surely won't feel like I have it together tomorrow! haha Oh, and I just realized I have a rash on my hand, too! What a crazy night!

Monday, September 20, 2010

My fitness journey: Introducing my new blog

My fitness journey: Introducing my new blog: "I have decided to start a separate blog for my fitness journey. I feel so blessed to have been introduced to the Beachbody opportunity to im..."

Monday, September 13, 2010

Our 5th Anniversary

Wow, I can't believe it's been 5 years!! And what a blessed 5 years it has been! I'm sure some people could look at it and say we've definitely faced many challenges in our 5 years of marriage, but I just feel blessed that we had each other to face those challenges with - together! There was even a time I feared the challenges would tear us apart, but God has been faithful to keep us strong for each other and for our kids. After 5 years I am still so in love with my husband, and I look forward to being in love with him for many more years!!

We celebrated our anniversary a day early by going to Medieval Times. It was SO much fun, and a much needed date night out! The food was fantastic, the entertainment was well, entertaining, and the experience was awesome. We went all out because well, the 5 year mark is a big deal, right!? We got the "Royal Package," which included front row seats, and we even got a special announcement package where they announced our anniversary during the show, and after it we got "knighted" by the king. What a blast! The kids quickly claimed the flags and the paper crowns when we got home! haha What a very special day! I try hard not to take any days for granted and cherish all the moments!

I know I haven't yet updated on my husband's oncologist appointment. This past week we have just been having so much fun! haha And, well, I don't exactly know how to explain it to where it doesn't sound a bit odd. Basically we were presented with three options: biopsy the tumor, perform chemo without a biopsy, or wait to perform another PET scan. Options in detail to follow:

Biopsy the tumor to make sure 100% that it is a mixed germ cell tumor (mixed germ cell is typical of testicular cancer, and although my husband's make-up was slightly different than the "average" mixed germ cell tumor, it was a mixed germ cell nonetheless), although it can very likely be assumed this tumor is from the spread of his testicular cancer given the location (it just happens to be one of the lymph nodes the doctor didn't choose to remove during his RPLND) and history. It kind of makes sense that since the lymph nodes were NOT affected at the time of the RPLND they wouldn't remove that one due to the fact that it is right by the vena cava. That alone poses a risk. So a biopsy would pose TWO risks - one being the location, and the other being they would basically have to perform almost the exact same surgery as the RPLND to get to it! He is already having complications from his RPLND, and such a surgery is guaranteed to make them worse. Ultimately, this did not sound like a good option, and EVERY doctor called to discuss his case suggested NOT to pursue this option.

So, option number two was chemotherapy with the assumption that this truly is a germ cell tumor as a direct result of the testicular cancer. The oncologist as well as the urologist are fairly confident that's exactly what this is, and if that is the case, it would be very sensitive to chemotherapy and would be gone in 3 treatments. (3 treatments of 5 days in a row of chemo, 3 weeks off.) But there is a small chance it is a *different* type of cancer such as a lymphoma. Given his age and history, this would be almost a ridiculous notion, but there's always that "maybe." And not ALL cancers do respond to chemotherapy, so if that is the case, he'd be getting it for no good reason. Because there are risks with chemotherapy (such as a terminal form of leukemia that cannot be cured), the question was if this should happen 10 years down the road would he question that decision to just jump into the chemotherapy without actually knowing if that was the answer - or worse - that it is a different cancer, and the chemo didn't even work on it AND the side effects were for nothing.

So option #3. WAIT. And this is where it seems a little funny. And I mean funny like odd, not like haha funny. Basically the thought is if we wait a few more weeks a couple things could happen - the tumor gets bigger but is still unaccessible or the tumor gets big enough that the cancer cells have to find another home - preferably somewhere with easy access for a biopsy so they do know exactly where it is. Because they are fairly confident this is a mixed germ cell tumor we're dealing with, spreading isn't as scary as it sounds because of how sensitive it is to chemo. In fact, the treatment regiment would still be exactly the same. Now if it doesn't spread but has still gotten bigger, chemo will probably still be recommended. But at least at that point we will know we would've waited to make sure we did everything we could before just going for the chemo. It's very possible they'll suggest waiting again. We'll cross that bridge when we get there. But yes, for now, we wait. He will repeat his PET scan on Sept 30th.

And so there is always option #4. God's healing touch. According to my faith I absolutely believe in God's healing powers. But I also believe in praying for God's Will. I believe God heals people in different ways for His glory. My husband and I have talked a lot about the subject. I mean how can you not when I have Fibromyalgia, our oldest son is on the Autism spectrum, and his cancer? We have had many of our friends and family ask "why?" Why does it all have to happen to us? I can't exactly answer that, but I can say that no matter how hard Satan tries to interfere, we are sill glorifying and praising God! Perhaps that fact alone is the reason! If we touch one lost soul by our love for God despite our challenges, then it is all worth it! These bodies are not our own! They belong to God! He will not give us more than we can handle, and we will not leave us or forsake us! We are his vessels to be the light in the darkness! If we focus only on the darkness, how can we be that light for others? Not receiving healing does NOT equal a lack of faith. I am not saying anyone should claim their problems, but I am saying we should stop focusing on them and start focusing on what is the purpose. How is God using them to his glory? Perhaps when we look at that we'll realize our "problems" aren't as bad as they seem! I have full faith that God's Will will be done, and that it will be the right thing regardless of whether or not it seems "right" to us. And so, that is what I will continue to pray - for God's Will, and for Him to sustain us and give us peace. And He always does! I pray we will always be a light in the darkness.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

We got some bad news

I'm not feeling the greatest as I am both physically and emotionally exhausted today, but I wanted to blog about the latest news we got concerning my husband's cancer.

He had a PET done this morning. We got the call for his results about an hour after he got home. He went outside to talk on the phone, so I was pacing the house nervously. The results did come back showing a "hot spot" where the tumor is. The Oncologist said there are different ways we can address this. His original tumors were mixed (some seminoma and a few different types of non-seminoma: carcinoma, teratoma). We were told it had a high likelihood of returning. We'll have no idea what the breakdown of this tumor is without a biopsy. The only problem is the tumor is very close to the vena cava. It wouldn't be a simple biopsy for sure and would require surgery, and there are obviously risks because of where it is. Or because of his history, do they just go ahead and start a regiment of chemotherapy? Some types don't respond to chemo, though, but it seems like they'd ultimately still try it anyway. This is new for us, though, because his last tumors were isolated and didn't require chemo. Chances are high this tumor resulted from the testicular cancer and isn't a new cancer (like lymphoma, though that IS a possibility since it's a lymph node, but not very likely). Sooo... without going into tons of details - because I'm sure you can imagine neither option is exactly pleasant - we're waiting until his appointment on Tuesday to talk to the oncologist and urologist after they have had a chance to discuss it with each other, and they'll be wanting our input as well. As if we have a clue! We have a lot of research to do and things to discuss over this wonderful 4-day weekend!

And, unfortunately, I probably won't be able to go with him to his appointment because he would be there during the time Bubs's bus come for school, and that's his first day back to school! I'm afraid of throwing a curve ball on his first day back. I know he's excited to go back either way, but it is still likely to throw off his day. And that's even if we could get a sitter who could come to our house during that time. I don't even know what anybody's schedule is anymore and who is or isn't available. It just stinks that his Dr is an hour's drive away. Yes, an hour to drive less than 20 miles. It's horrendous!

I don't know what I'm feeling right now. I know ultimately everything is in God's hands. That's what got us through this before, and that's what will get us through this again. The possibilities are unsettling, and I don't think I'm ready to think about it yet. We've actually discussed having the kids and myself move to wherever it is we plan to settle when his Med Board is over before it's even over so the kids and I will be near family and friends, and we can get them settled into something "regular." We've even discussed it may be easier because my husband always feels the need to help out even when he doesn't feel well, and we obviously wouldn't have to worry about that in that case. But the fact that his Med Board is stalled again because of these new findings and the fact that it could still take up to 9 months (the last estimate they gave him) for it to happen, we're not sure that really IS the best thing. Just more things to think about I suppose.